


Polaris

by nieun_san



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends Byun Baekhyun & Park Chanyeol, Bottom Byun Baekhyun, Diary/Journal, Homophobia, M/M, Married Couple, Past Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol, Plot Twists, Top Park Chanyeol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:35:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 34,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25173241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nieun_san/pseuds/nieun_san
Summary: Baekhyun files for a divorce and Chanyeol doesn't relent. It wasn't until a month after the end of their marriage that he finds a novel in the mail dedicated to him, written by Baekhyun himself.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 7
Kudos: 17





	1. 01.

**Author's Note:**

> "A northern star; simply existing for the sake of shining on you whom's been living this way." - Aimer ( Polaris ) 
> 
> Based on a semi real story.

Baekhyun sees Chanyeol as a color that he never knew or deserved.

"If I had crossed path with you years ago, then perhaps we would have remained as friends. But instead, I met you at this time. From then, you became everything that I have wished for."

Baekhyun remembers Chanyeol like the color blue. The way his lips curve to a certain point, and the way his serene gaze crinkles and mirrors his smile. He had always made Baekhyun feel a fleeting warmth that runs to his fingertips. It wasn't the usual intense rush or the overwhelming desperation that Baekhyun was accustomed to. To him, Chanyeol is a subtle wave motioning through a violent hurricane. 

Chanyeol is the notion of simplicity and gentle. The precise personification of kindness, sincerity and warmth.

He is home but with a name.

...

Baekhyun is a walking pradoxic; he constantly battles between solitude and antsy scripts; against wanting to be held by something real.

He often seen with diverse shades of color. He changes his hair frequently based on his mood. Ombre and vibrant are his favorite since they remind him of autumn rain with flecks of melancholy; like rusting steel bursting with violence. His second favorite thing is cigarettes. He likes the idea of injecting black smokes in his lungs, but he never finishes his cancer stick in fear of ruining his vocal cords too soon. However, death was always a flirt over a threat. Baekhyun only knew one way of moving forward, and that was to hold his chin up and pace through the path violently. His melancholy is meticulously covered by a stubborn pridefulness. He does not allow himself to bow his head down to anyone; much less apologize for his wrong doing.

Baekhyun is like the color red. Always so impulsive, always so violent.

“What if I told you that I don't love you and never did. Would you kill me?" Baekhyun asked of it as more of a challenge than a Question.

He remembers the defiant gleam in Chanyeol's eyes and how uncharacteristic it was of him as he spoke with the menace dripping from his tone.

"I'll do every possible way to ruin you. Even if you cry, my heart doesn't hurt. There's no other reason. I don't want to hear the words: 'I'm sorry' and 'forgive me.' If you say that to me. I'll shoot us both.

Byun Baekhyun doesn't favor the idea of relationships. He finds comfort in the arms of companions rather than someone who has became a long term figure in his world and then leaves with a piece of him. 

Minseok was the first to convince him. 

"I think of you as this painting. Each stroke has a story and meaning that you idealize and adore. You can't commit to the picture, the ending brush that will make your masterpiece complete because it means letting someone into those details and letting them be a part of that picture with what you think might taint your final work. So the art stays layered, unfinished and beautiful in its tragedy, its history, and the alluring sentiments of being desired, admired, yet unowned. That's how I see you."

Baekhyun wasn't looking at Minseok anymore. His eyes have fallen to the cigarette trapped between his fingers and the white tendrils that drift about his knuckles like chains. Baekhyun does not know whether his heart was aching due to the sorrow that was feeding his void, or if it was his friend's perception that perhaps he would always remain secluded like this. It seemed like each time he loves he cowers a step back while pushing head strong forward. He had seen how his lovers break before him then leave. Even Baekhyun doesn't understand why he keeps pushing and pulling the limits. He knows too well that karma love him.

And even so he didn't learn.

Not until he came.

"Hello!"

"Hello. Who are you?"

"I'm Park Chanyeol. You're Baekhyun right?"

Maybe it was the way he said his name that made Baekhyun feel like this person might stay in his life.

...

Baekhyun remembers his initial impression of Chanyeol was the idiot friend that didn't understand why his ex-girlfriend was so mad when he appeared too close to him. The latter did not consider Chanyeol as a best friend at that time considering that he only had only known the man for a few weeks. However, the circumstance seemed to be easier as an excuse when it came to explaining the reason for their closeness. He remembers kissing his flings in public display, it was nothing unusual for the male when he wanted a good kiss from anyone that was available. His public kissing would always earn a disgust from his members but never a question arousing. On one occasion the singer had the chance to know more about the rapper, they had started their conversation with a game of 'Who flirted better.' There was no tongue involved and yet his colleagues, friends and fans seemed more interested in his relationship with Chanyeol.

"Hey Baekhyun. Can I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"Are you and Chanyeol a thing?"

Baekhyun bites down a laugh. It was amusing how the world believe that the two were a couple when in reality they were merely friends that only knew each other's love history and name at most."

Maybe." He answered simply

......

Baekhyun remembers that their relationship was inspired by their fans. The elder would find comments and questions regarding his relationship with Chanyeol and he would always answer it differently. The coupling began the whole ordeal and it became something more significant after. During the course of their movie night Baekhyun leaned against the couch while crossing his arm over his chest. Chanyeol insisted they watch a movie about a blind woman finding love earning a roll of eyes when he confessed that he only wanted to watch it since the main actress was his crush.

Chanyeol remained a statue throughout most part of the film. He reasoned that he preferred concentrating on the scenes than talk over it. It was very opposite to what Baekhyun liked. He prefer commenting throughout the film but had to keep his mouth shut so he wouldn't distract the man.

The film came to an end and their curiosity was peaked from comedy films to their own fancam moments. Baekhyun joked that it would be entertaining if they had formed into an actual pair but kept it platonic between them. The idea was mutually agreed upon with the exception from the elder that they would only stop if his girlfriend was affected by it.

"She wouldn't mind." Chanyeol was too confident in that statement.

"I highly doubt that." Baekhyun was browsing through the screen, digging for more of their content.

"I am flirty with all my friends. She will be okay with it. She isn't even my official girlfriend yet."

The elder thought that this man's guts were either too fat or he was just purely stupid.

"Alright but tell me when to stop."

Their movie marathon ended after 7 hours.  
It was a productive day that he had surprisingly enjoyed.

It first began with their Instagram. Their feeds changed to match each others and their photos or videos of when they were together would be uploaded. In a mere few days, the media had an uproar and everyone seemed to believe that the two were truly something.

They began convering more. What started with a brief conversation turned into hours of long talks. They would talk before practising; they will talk after practising; they will talk before eating; they will talk before sleeping. The last person that Baekhyun meets before bed or waking up was Chanyeol.

They were together pratically everyday in short time that Baekhyun wondered if Chanyeol still spared time for his girlfriend.

"How is she?"

"She said she wants to move in with me but then stopped reading my text." Chanyeol shrugged his shoulder. He didn't seem as bothered by it than Baekhyun was.

"Dude. She stopped reading your text after we made our bromance right?"

"Maybe?"

"Why don't you get it." Baekhyun wanted to strangle the man in front of him. How could he not understand that something was wrong in his unofficial relationship? The woman hadn't been texting him back after they came to their prank. Surely anyone could see that he was the problem.

"Lets end our shipping." The elder sighed. He had expected it would end like this.

"What? No!" Chanyeol had his mouth formed in a sulking pout.

"Are you serious." Baekhyun might actually have needed to knock his brains out.

"I don't want to change anything. Or your name from my feeds."

Chanyeol's statement made Baekhyun wondered why he wanted to keep their acts when his relationship was falling apart. He was beyond mad and it made no sense of how the man's brain worked.

"When will you use it."

"What?"

"Your brain." Baekhyun deadpanned and removed every single Chanbaek there was on his feed and replaced it with something irrelevant.

....

Days became weeks again. Except it was excruciatingly slow and painful when he was dealing with an idiot.

Baekhyun remembers explaining to Chanyeol over and over again as to why their shipping was a threat.

"Look anyone will be jealous if they are- hey! Are you listening."The red hair shot the man his most deadly glare. The latter seemed to have heed the smaller with no attention or was simply not interested. Chanyeol only brushed him off, telling him that everything will be fine and left Baekhyun fuming.

Their conversation took a few turns between Baekhyun's nagging to the highlights in their brief 'relationship'.

"Hey you know this guy dead ass walked up to me and asked if we were dating again? I said yeah. We even have 15 children and 20 grandchildren." Chanyeol bursted into a fit of laughter.

"I can't believe how mainstream this is getting and how we are becoming so popular. I feel like I beat most of the females that you've stood next to."

Baekhyun was gazing at the floor as the last bit of laugh drained from his lips, he didn't paid heeds to Chanyeol stealing a long glance to his side.

"What if I start to catch something between what we do?"

The elder wasn't bothered by it. In fact he was confident that it wouldn't happen.

"Well if you do then i'm going to be everything you despise."

Baekhyun should have understood from then that even if he was everything that Chanyeol didn't idealise he would still would have adored him.

That was what being loved by Chanyeol felt like. 

....

Baekhyun remembers the first time he shared a kiss with Chanyeol was after he broke off with his girlfriend. He didn't know how far the relationship was in, but it didn't last that long. It was like the day they first met, him talking about his love interest and the stories to its downfall.

Baekhyun was Basorexic, if that justified his act. Anything that was moving or breathing he would seduce it with his mouth and tongue. It was more or less like an addiction, a craving that the singer had difficulties in finding a control. At times he would quench his thirst by kissing his cigarette piece. The smoke drifted artfully about his rosy tiers. Baekhyun finds smoking another kind of fascination. He isn't addicted to it, but when it becomes too stressful, it's his solace. He doesn't smoke too much. He doesn't want to ruin his vocal. He usually discards the cigarette after the 5th inhale. But even when his friends protest, he can't seem to stop. It's like his craving to kiss. Once committed to the addiction, there was only consequence, thrill, and void.

Chanyeol was always objective of him smoking and he thought that hee would be even more objective towards their kissing. 

But that wasn't the case. 

"Why is relationship so shit?" Chanyeol was in a bad mood. He just fought with his girlfriend and came crasing into his room. 

It's time like these that he had wished he could offer a good advice. Except he wasn't in any good place either. His relationship with Yifan was unsteady at that time as well.

He could only say one thing. It was the corniest speech that he could have made but he sincerely believed in it. 

"If it belongs to you Yeol. It will come. Right now its still coming home to you. Just wait a little longer."

...

Chanyeol fell asleep on his bed with the elder spooning close to his chest. From an outsider's point of view the two probably seemed like a couple huddling so close in their sleep but the red hair had no choice. The man was pratically twice his height and doubled his muscles. There was barely any space to be spared for him to scoot into a distance so he resorted to hugging the younger to sleep. It wasn't so bad. Although Chanyeol did occasionally put his hand on his stomach; waking the elder a few times. But overall it was a pleasant night. Baekhyun was afraid to sleep alone anyways. 

The next morning Baekhyun woke by the sound of phone tappinng and a soft curse. He found Chanyeol sitting upright in bed, his hair disheveled and his expression blank and annoyed. Baekhyun asked him what happened, but the contact's name he didn't have to figure much out. 

Half their day was spent on schedule. Baekhyun didn't talk to Chanyeol until late evening. Chanyeol was still glued on his phone, his expression remained the same as morning. 

Baekhyun wondered what crossed his mind at that time. Was it heart ache of losing someone he liked? Or was it the troublesome burden of having to deal with the aftermath of break up?

Baekhyun remembers that Chanyeol always seemed to have someone around. Whether it was his friends or his girlfriends, he was never alone. It was similar to Baekhyun. Except he always went in circles. Perhaps that's where their difference stands. Chanyeol who always moves head strong ahead after the clause. Whereas Baekhyun always tottered back and forth against his past and present.

Chanyeol can do everything that Baekhyun couldn't. They were so opposite in every aspect.

The elder is the first to speak out. "Are you okay?" 

"I'll be okay.”Came the most basic response.

Baekhyun can sense the frustration piling in his friend. His girlfriend just called time out after she found the two of them intimately close. The truth was they were just playing around with the fans. The man was straight and Baekhyun didn't see Chanyeol as a potential partner. Why didn't anyone understand? He felt like it was partially his fault for breaking his friend's relationship apart. It wasn't anything unusual for Baekhyun. This actually isn't the first that he was the cause of a broken relationship but he felt responsible for meddling in even though Chanyeol had clearly stated that he had no interest in rekindling. The red hair didn't like seeing Chanyeol like this. It was unusual to see the crease marrying his forehead, instead of the dimple smile that he usually had.

Baekhyun was at a loose end. He didn't know what to do.

"Hug me."

He obeyed.

He pulled the taller in his arms, his head cradling right against his chest. They stayed silent for a moment. It was becoming deafening. The only sound that could be detected was the acceleration of his heart and the steady counts to Chanyeol's breathe.

Baekhyun doesn't know why he suggested it. Perhaps that's where it all began. But it was the only way he knew of recovering, and it wasn't anyone's ideal.

"Have you ever tried losing yourself before? It's another form of comfort. Only thing is, it makes you rebel and hurt both at the same time. Do you want to try it?"

"What is it?"

"By kissing me."

Baehyun actually regretted the moment he suggested that. He knows howl riled Chanyeol gets when men made advances on him. He only hoped the man wouldn't punch him in the face like he once said in his stories.

"A kiss?"

"Yes."

"I badly want to. But don't I need to settle this first? So my conscience is clear when I end it?" The taller sat upright, his hold around the red hair's waist is gradually loosen and he looked at him straight in the eye.

Baekhyun didn't like where he placed himself. But his foolish self already committed the crime. He had already said it and the only way to play it off was to shrug it off like it was nothing. "That's why it is surrender. It the rebel and then the guilt. You kill it all at once. Whenever you want to. Whenever you feel it."

The elder tried to quickly divert the topic by pointing out that his profile picture in their line chat was still a photo of them. They took that photo together after their breaks and pretended that they were on a date just to fool everyone. Everyone seemed to believe it, even his ex-girlfriend.

"I don't want to change it." Chanyeol shrugged it off like it was nothing.

Baekhyun laughed. "Are you rebelling against her?”

"Is this called rebelling..." His voice trailed off?

Baekhyun was about to comfort him in a playful manner that he was only teasing. But what his friend said afterwards made him pause his thought.

"Maybe I am."

…..

Yesterday's conversation about the kiss was somewhat forgotten. Chanyeol was still showing him panicked text over his soon to be ex-girlfriend. Their conversations tossed between what to reply to his ex-lover against cracking jokes and fooling around.

Somehow their topics ended with the younger asking him how to do CPR.

"You use your mouth." The elder dead panned. His hair is now dyed in a neutral brown. He missed him red hair, but comeback required his hair to be a toned down shade. Chanyeol appeared to like it a lot. He has been touching the strands to his brown locks and never took a rest.

"And how do I do that?"Chanyeol's slender fingers were still playing with the brunette's hair.

Baekhyun took his question as an initiative to draw closer. His index tucked right under the other's chin while his thumb pressed under the rim of his plumb lips. Their gaze locked in, Chanyeol's eyes were beautiful, serene even. The edge of his digit pushed between the seams of the other's fleshy tiers, prying them apart a little. He can't help but notice how pretty Chanyeol's lips are. They were rosy and plumb, inviting and kissable. “What do you think happens next?"

The younger shrugged his shoulder and feigned innocence. His was mouth still agape slightly.

They held an intensive gaze. Their breaths only an inch away.

"You slap them awake of course."

Baekhyun's answer broke the spell as they both fell into a fit of laughter.

"But you know what is better than kissing someone awake? Sucking the air out of their lungs."

"And how would you do that?"

Chanyeol was inviting him again. Baekhyun's Basorexic habits were clearly underestimated. He felt challenged. Baekhyun always wanted to prove his point, even if it meant giving away his rationality. "Well. You do something like this." His hands are back on Chanyeol's face, his fingers delicately carding through the soft stray of blonde as he lets their sweet breathe mingle.

"And then?" Chanyeol's eyelids were falling mid-way. He looked like he was in a state of stupor as his gaze fixated on Baekhyun's dark orbs.

Baekhyun finds his fingertips run down the other's jawline, his finger pad mapped every curves to the man's lovely features. Chanyeol had finally pushed Baekhyun to his limit. There was no more thoughts on repercussion, or any form of rationality left in that moment.

"You foolish man." Was the final thing Baekhyun uttered from his tugged lips before his mouth comes crashing against his friend's. The singer takes pride in his kissing. He often dragged his tongue across the surface of the other's tiers, taking his time in coaxing the mouth open before thrusting his wet muscle in the other's hot cavern. He unfortunately didn't come to that stage.

It was a wrestle. Chanyeol's tongue was fighting for dominance against his. They fought for a good while before he felt the warmth breaking away from his lips, leaving his completely needy, then frustrated.He wasn't done yet. But Chanyeol had his head nesting against his shoulder. He felt his frustration die on the tip of his tongue and then wrappd his arms around Chanyeol's waist, pulling his world together as tight as he could. The shared a while of silence then conversed about how relationship was so difficult. The kiss seemed to have lost its magic. However that was okay. That kiss was only meant to be valid in that moment of surrendering.

That was the purpose of it.

.......

Chanyeol eventually ended his short term relationship. Baekhyun thought that his friend would find a new woman sooner than later. Based on his observations on the two previous relationships, he rekoned the man would find one within next month. 

He was almost certain that Chanyeol would do so. 

He just never expected the next one to be him. 

They were lounging in their dorm as usual. Their converstion remained the same; ex here and ex there. The highlights of their day and the worst that occured. There was i nothingndifferent about the content of their conversations. The only difference laid in Chanyeol's eyes; the way they gazed at him. He discovered a few days ago that the taller would sometimes take a glance from his side when he doesn't pay attention. Sometimes the taller would come behind his back and evelope him in a hug for no apparent reason. There were even times when their poke fun flirts became too real. 

"Such a sweet man. Want a reward?"

"You, Baekhyun are the only award that I need."

"Hey, don't say something that would make me gay."

"For me? Then I'll say more of them."

"Spare me."

"But seriously…. I only speak of what's on my mind."

Baekhyun was aware that Chanyeol had a crush on him. The man made sure he knew. Except Baekhyun did not dare to entertain the idea further. It wasn't long before Chanyeol broke off with his previous relationship. Maybe he was a rebound? The latter didn't mind that, however he didn't want to be bothered by the potential idea. He brushed the first sign off and shook his head. "You're insane dude." 

Chanyeol probably was. 

As the days went by, Chanyeol became more bold in his courting. He didn't cower away or withdraw from his statement. Baekhyun insisted that he was infratuated and passed the intention off again. 

"What do you see in a person before you settle? Has the thought crossed your mind?" The question was intended to be vague, something to prolong the conversation but also to divert it away from himself. He takes a slow drag from his cigarette stick, letting the smoke drift artfully through his lips. He knows Chanyeol didn't like him smoking. That was exactly why he was doing it.

Chanyeol was dead silent for a while. It beckoned him to face the taller with a concerned frown, only to catch the man staring at him with hooded lids and a sheepish smile that called for sleep. Baekhyun is about to ask, but Chanyeol beats him to it.

"I think it's all about seeing the person... Person you'd want to spend the rest of your life with. For me, I really never thought of spending the rest of my life with someone. I do joke on it to make my ex-girlfriends feel giddy. You know how women are, I didn't really see myself tied down to them. I never had thoughts on marriage... But all of that has changed when I met you. It’s insane how we met not long ago but I vision myself settling down with you and being happy. I even imagined us with children which is completely crazy. I did imagine us with a big backyard and watching them play with Baixian. This might scare you off but I had this thought."

Baekhyun is taken aback by the sudden confession. He looked away and smothered the cigarette head in ashtray. He doesn't want to acknowledge the abnormal thumping against his chest and resorted to not addressing it. "Go to sleep, Yeol. You look like you're about to drift." Chanyeol doesn't say anything afteer that. He just smiled.

...

Baekhyun had a habit of constantly speaking his mind. He always wanted to make a point valid and gain acknowledgement, even though it wasn't always the same with others. He craved for late night debates and 3am cigarette sessions. Although he tried not to smoke so much since Chanyeol didn't like it still.

"This consists of two things. Leave or stay. You leave and they'll consider you abandoning. Even though you are just logging out-" He stopped and once again caught Chanyeol staring at him with that familiar smile.

"I always love listening to you talk. I'm falling more in love. How did I have such a brainy friend? Ah I'm so in love." He says simply as his eyes reflected with pure adoration towards him. Baekhyun doesn't want Chanyeol to know that he is flushing inside so he just answered "I know silly.”

Chanyeol began to act really odd. Actually, odd was an understatement. He had been odd for the past few weeks, telling Baekhyun that he was developing a crush when they weren't that deeply familar yet.

"I think it would be nice if we adopted a dog together. This can be like Chanbaek's baby." The younger mused with a coy smile. The idea didn't seem terrible. Baekhyun actually adores pets, although he did have a heart aching memory on the one that passed. His parents believe that his 14 year old self was the one that drove Mongryoung to death. That his love was too sadistic. He shouldn't love anyone to begin with. Baekhyun couldn't argue with that. But if Chanyeol was there then maybe it would be different. "Shoulds like a good idea. Can you imagine all our fans reaction? I bet they'll go wild."

" I think we'll be fighting for your attention."

"Of course, I'll pay more attention to the dog.”

"Including me as well!”

"Don't I give you maximum attention already?" He was laughing. He didn't think Chanyeol would be overly possessive about these things.

"You know what. I had this thought. I like to see you with more friends. But at the same time I don't." The dropping of his tone didn't come unoticed.

"You're possessive over me. How cute. I have enough friends already. I can't match everyone's energy. Rather say socializing, I end up flirting more." The red hair chuckled in a light hearted manner. Baekhyun was usually seen as either a flirty or promiscuous person, or a cold and antisocial person, there were even times when people called him a big softie but those times were rare. Unlike Baekhyun, Chanyeol had no problem with socializing. His warm personality and his contagious smile made him charming and fixed him in the center of all attentions. They had such opposite personalities and yet somehow by the odds of the universe they were good friends that got along well.

"I hate being possessive. Don't let me see you with someone else." The younger stated.

"Are we going to divorce if I don't pick now?”

Then it is again. The tease. Baekhyun blinked once, a little surprised. "Nope. I'll just cheat." He chuckled.

"Yah! Baekhyun!" Chanyeol is flailing his arms out in a very adorable and childlike manner.

"I'll also adopt a snake if you aren't picking a dog.”

"But I don't like snakes.”

"Exactly why I'm adopting."

He felt a heavy weight on his lap. He peered down and found a mash of black permed locks on his thighs and a face that's too ethereal for this world. "Why do I still find you cute? Damnit."

The elder card his slender fingers through the man's hair. "Are you falling in love with me?" It was a joke.

"I feel like someone is tickling me." The deep timbre voice answered. "I feel like someone is doing something straight to my heart."

This time Baekhyun doesn't fail to notice the glint in his friend's eye. The spark that is evident in his iris.

The chances between them.

...........

They conversed non stop for 3 whole weeks. Baekhyun was really getting to know more about him. He knows that the latter didn't like snakes, his favorite color was grey which made him astonished. He felt like the man would be more interested in Yellow; one of Baekhyun's favorutie colors of all time but Chanyeol explained that he loved black and white because it was classy. He also knows that his favorite female crush was Seohyun. He even dated her for a long period of time before breaking it off due to schedule. 

Chanyeol was telling him more about his dates since the elder asked. He found out that Chanyeol was a bit of a romantist in that department.   
"I once took my girlfriend on a date to a cruise ship.”

"Oh? What was that like?" Baekhyun shifted his head to the side with a lazy smile on his lips. 

"It was amazing. She looked really happy. Beautiful even."

Chanyeol's eyes diverted to Baekhyun's unfazed expression. "What about you? How was your date like? You have any you favored?”

It wasn't until the taller mentioned. Baekhyun actually doesn't recall ever going on a date.

" I never went on a date-”

Chanyeol smiled, he actually seemed more happy than shocked. "Stop being so cute."

"I really didn't-"

"Then let's do your first one." 

Baekhyun crookd his brow. "You sound so confident about my first being with you."

The man drew out a sheepish smile and pulled the petite male in his arms. "Of course. It's our first date and I need to make a good impression."

Baekhyun sincerely hoped that the other wouldn't discover the beating ragging against his chest and the smile that's slowly breaking his facade.

"I'm nervous too to be honest." Chanyeol confessed later on.

Baekhyun found that hard to believe.

"Yeah... I've never been this nervous before. I don't even know what I feel. I take women out on dates just for the sake of it. But now I want everything to be perfect."

"Maybe its because I'm not a woman." Baekhyun interrrupted.

"What are you doing to me Baekhyun."

The elder felt the sturdy arms coiling tighter.

"This is all new to me..."

He felt Chanyeol's breathe ghosting against his neck, forcing every part of him to hold himself from quivering. "I don't have an explanation."

Its true. Baekhyun didn't know what Chanyeol saw in him.

....

Baekhyun remembers his first date with Chanyeol mainly consisted of strolling around the city and buying a few essentials for their baby huskey一Baixian. The name was deprived directly from baekhyun's nickname in chinese. Chanyeol teased that if he was ever a woman then perhaps his name would have been that.

Baekhyun at one point asked Chanyeol to give him a piggy back as a joke. Chanyeol insisted they walk out of the door first so that they can unlock it without hardship. The elder knew the idiot was playing with him, so he tuned along. “Of course. “He scoffed and walked ahead to pull the door open but halts in his track when he felt warm hands tugging his wrist back. He turned over his shoulder and finds Chanyeol on a couching stance, flashing him a boyish grin. "Hope on big baby." The man urged.

"Don't call me heavy okay." The elder warned and hold back a smirk. His arm wrapped around the taller's neck, his legs hooked carefully under his friends arm and tucked his nose near chanyeol's neck. It's just like how he imagined. Chanyeol had a really nice scent.

"I'll try not to call you heavy." Chanyeol mused and faked a dramatic huff. "Oh man I might die early-"

"Careful I have teeth to bite." Baekhyun threatened in his menacing tone.

He can feel chanyeol's back vibrating as he emits a chuckle. How cute. Baekhyun began humming a tune as he lowered his cheeks and pressed them against the younger's shoulder. "I never realized how warm your back really is." It felt addicting.

Chanyeol bounced the petite male on his back, calling him out." Oi. Don't fall asleep.”

Baekhyun arched his brow questioning. He knew Chanyeol was doing this on purpose and he simply was not putting through with it. His lips curve into a sly smirk, lips coming in contact with chanyeol's nape and took a light bite of his skin.

He felt the latter stiffen beneath his lips.

"Are you seriously turning me on now?" They've entered an unfamiliar street.

Baekhyun's tiers remained ghosting upon Chanyeol's skin. His lips only a bare inch apart from the surface." I crave for ramen and cheese. He announced. For Baixian lets get her a lot of treats."

"You make me want to go back." Chanyeol sighed. "Alright. Let’s buy loads."

"Why do you want to go back so soon?" Baekhyun crooked a brow.

"Because someone's making me hot. I wonder who it is.”

Baekhyun wondered if Chanyeol is really flirting with him or if he is playing. "Don't tease me.”

Chanyeol sighed again. His voice is soothing and timbre." I feel like there is a tight knot in my stomach. I feel like a high schooler damn."

The elder humed in response. "You sound like you're forming a crush." He directed the taller to a convenient store with the point of his chin.

"Can you stop? It's not really good for my heart."

The store is partially empty. There is a soft mellow tune playing in the air and a woman's lovely voice seeping through. Baekhyun knows this song.

"This song is fitting." He heard the other say.

Baekhyun is a little dumbfounded by that comment, but he also thinks so too. With Chanyeol right now, this moment felt like honey poured over milk. It’s a very hot in the beginning but it starts to soothe in a manner that the elder couldn't fathom. Was this like this song right now一 is he starting to feel something? Yuna's song 'Crush on you' was beginning to make sense. Baekhyun mouths the words, his soft voice reciting the lyrics in a whisper against the other's ears:

"I feel a little rush. I think I've got a little crush on you. I hope its not too much. But babe when i'm with you I hear it my heart singing."

He can tell that Chanyeol's ears were flushed to the lobe. He actually finds it really adorable when the man is like this.

"Can you stop? It's not really good for my heart." Chanyeol chuckled. They were strolling from aisle to aisle, no particular direction in mind. Baekhyun found beads of perspiration dripping down the columns of Chanyeol's jaw and neck. It was very attractive, but the elder felt guilty. He must be exhausted this stupid. "Let me down please."

"Can't we do grocery while you're on my back?"

Baekhyun is startled by that suggestion. "Then how will we shop if I'm on your back? I grab and you carry?”

"Hm. But I think you'll slip."

"I think it would be better to do it the old fashion way with the hand and basket before both of us fall.”

Baekhyun felt Chanyeol sighed before lowering him to the ground, he is so careful even in the way he handled him. It almost made Baekhyun believe that the latter genuinely liked him. Of course Baekhyun didn't. It has practically been two days since his band mate broke off with his new girlfriend. If it’s not infatuation then the younger may just be playing. After all, Chanyeol did mention to him one day after practice that he was bi curious.

He was over thinking again. He scold himself silently. It seemed like Chanyeol could feel his distress because his hand was coming to hold his. It was really warm. Chanyeol had bigger hands than his petite ones, it almost felt like a perfect fit. But there was still a problem. "My hand... How will I grab things? “

The elder stares at their entwined fingers. Even Chanyeol's digits are longer than his.

"Use your other hand. I'll hold the basket."

"You seem quite keen on holding my hand.”

"I like making sure that you're with me.”

"You sound like boyfriend material." The elder humored and walked ahead of the taller with his hand tucked in one jean pocket.

"Is it getting annoying?" The other chuckled and picks a basket in hand.

"No its something I can get used to." Baekhyun raised a brow, then elicits a smirk. "Just make sure you keep your sexuality in check. Otherwise I’ll bend you hard.”

"Tell me if I should stop or I'll do much worse than next time." Chanyeol grinned slyly and dropped a few essentials that the dorm needed. "My sexuality wouldn't be a concerned either. I don't think I'll be gay with other dudes." His sentence trailed off. "You're an exception.”

Baekhyun doesn't know whether he should trust that just yet. "I wonder if I even want to know how far you can really go or if I should be scared." He heard a few click followed by aggressive whispering. He can tell that a couple of fans have caught on him with Chanyeol. But the two of them together was nothing new. Just their fans liked the idea of making a dating scandal between he members. Baekhyun didn't mind that sometimes. He adored his fans. "What do you say we cause a bit of a scandal?" The lead vocalist suggested and the giant closer to his side and guided his big hand on his waist as they nonchalantly walked pass the flicking phone camera.

"You know Joy asked me the same thing. If we were a couple." Chanyeol fastened his grip as he spoke. "I played along and said perhaps. She seems to believe we are."

The elder mused a chuckle. "Kai asked me the same thing. It’s funny how I just touch your shoulder and suddenly we are dating."  
The basket was gradually filling up. Baekhyun initiated the payment at the counter. Just as he passed his credit card along to the staff, he heard his friend call out. "Hey! I was going to pay!" The way Chanyeol whining at him was so adorable. But it was Baekhyun's moral to always pay first. He didn't like it when others did. "It’s okay. I'll pay." The elder pulled the younger away from the store while the bag slings on his free hand. Chanyeol somehow snatched all the bags and carried them himself. Baekhyun relents but Chanyeol insisted and gave him a smile that the red hair couldn't resist.

Sometimes he wished his friend would act like how he used to be. Dorky, stupid, and most of all straight. Otherwise, he didn't know how to explain the thumping against his rib.

The last destination was the pet shop. They need a leash and a collar for maybe a few toys for their new puppy. It was difficult for Baekhyun to focus elsewhere except the intensive stares coming from the side. He tries to interrupt the awkward moments by intercepting against the other's arm, he walks pass the male with nonchalance, hands tucked in jean pocket. His artful nose turns up as he looks over his shoulder and finds Chanyeol still planted in his spot. "I like this leash." Baekhyun's lips curved upright. "Let's get this one.”  
There is small talks between the two. But it wasn't needed since the air was so thick. The chemistry was probably prominent enough to be sensed by their surroundings.

The sun was falling and the stores were approaching closing hours. The red hair finally purchased the pet toys and leash after arguing with Chanyeol in who was paying again. Baekhyun realized that Chanyeol never liked it when he carried things. He would always snatch it from his grasp and then ignore all his objection. His only reason against that statement was "And you pay even when I tell you not to." Baekhyun couldn't argue on that.

Are you tired?"

"A little."

"Wait over at the fountain." The elder points to the bench situation around a fountain and then sprinted off. He leaves the other dumbfounded, but his friend chuckled after.

Baekhyun comes back with sweat trickling down his forehead. "Here." His words broke through his breathes and offered Chanyeol the bottle of water. He can see the startle in the other's gaze when he registers the water in his hand but still pushed the water towards his own chest instead. "You drink first. You seem like you need it more.”

Baekhyun doesn't answer. He just uncapped the bottle and raised the fluid to his lip. Filling a good amount in his mouth and then latched his tiers right against the other's startled lips.

The water rans smoothly pass his moist tiers as his tongue coaxed Chanyeol's mouth open. Time seemed rather slow, like the motionless film in the 'Crush' scene. It felt timeless. It was nothing like their first kiss. The exhilarating rush was still there, however this time there was no guilt.

The red hair pulled apart after what seemed like a long second as they held each other. The first thing he noticed was the darkening shade pooling in the depth of Chanyeol's orbs. His expression didn't seem like he was repelled. So maybe he was okay with it.

"Let's go back." Was the finally words they spoke to each other before silence accompanied throughout their return to dorm.

……..

Baekhyun remembers the first time Chanyeol cried for him.

When Chanyeol loves, he loves hard. Baekhyun doesn't know how lovers he had to whom he said those three words ( I love you). All he knew was that the man was sincere with him. The thought that Chanyeol once loved someone else aside from him didn't bother him as much as had expected. The red hair was possessive. His mother always said he was. She said he always had to be the in control and wouldn't want to share. Not even his own father. In the beginning, Baekhyun was not daunted by the fact that someone has kissed those lips, or had his hand undress them at their lowest night. He wasn't even bothered by the fact that some woman had her skin and heat all pressed against the man. He didn't seem to mind on bit, and that is a first.

Baekhyun was confused. If he didn't mind, did it mean he wasn't interested in Chanyeol in a romantic sense? There was a tugging against his heart strings. Maybe he knew why, or more like who. He just didn't want to be overshadowed by him again.

Deep down, there was another soul that ghosted his heart. He didn't want to speak about him, but his lips always hung his name. To Baekhyun, Yifan was someone that he couldn't phantom. He was like a fleeting memory, the only time Baekhyun felt like he was with Yifan whole was in his dream. He didn't last long, but his smile was always the brightest. Baekhyun had an obsession over the man for years of counting. If you had asked him how and why, he would always give a different answer.

Yifan was like the color black. He was cladded in grace and authority. The way he spoke was always eloquent. He could spare you a glance and pull your skin apart; reading you down to the fingers of your bone.

Wu YIfan was a dream that Baekhyun wished he didn't sleep through.

The two weren't really ex-lovers. They were more or less in between. Yifan never had enough time, even when he did, it wasn't always with him. Baekhyun wasn't qualified to ask for too much. When he once asked what he did in the hours that he was free, he said that he chose to speak to someone that required less of his brain cells. He was always tired. Baekhyun was very well aware. In the two years that he knew him, their time together was always fleeting. That's why he cherished everything he said.

When the man found a book that he adored, Baekhyun would find it and mark the paragraph that he liked the most. When Yifan compliments a song or an artist, Baekhyun would note it down and listen to it every night until he dissected the whole layer of meaning behind the lyrics. Everything that Yifan adored of despised, he would remember all of them.

Baekhyun's obsession finally stopped when his feelings were finally reciprocated. Yifan had asked him to be in a committing relationship with a bouquet of rose in hand. Yifan adored roses. When the male asked why, he said, "Have you ever seen something more gorgeous in a dangerous way?"

Yi fan called him his rose.

His very rose that he had carefully tended by his palm.

Their relationship came to an end in the first month. Yifan wasn't there again.

On the second month, Baekhyun stopped talking to him. There wasn't any harsh feelings. There was only melancholy and a growing void. Yifan called him on the second last day to say he missed him over a message. But by then, Baekhyun knew he had already found someone. Just how he did.

"I missed you.”

They spoke about their real feelings after their short term relationship. It didn't last very long, not even a month and Baekhyun knew that he had ran away from the situation again. He could not withstand being pressurized into a form that he wasn't certain in committing to. All he wanted at that time was to be by his side in any form. . Except as they grew on each other, the red hair finally understood why the other always carried a wistful smile in his words. The more he knew, the more he realized how incompatible they really were in each's world, and how much they truly cherished one another.

"We have no more chances." Baekhyun doesn't dream anymore.

Their conversation is short, but it's nothing unusual for them. Yifan tells Baekhyun that is a little unwell and would have to retire to bed. Baekhyun asked him to say good bye, Yifan spared hesitation in his last sentence, but he still said it.

Baekhyun waited. He waited while he watched green button on the other's chat slowly dimish to grey. This may be the last time that he would speak to him.

His nails were clawing at his flesh, his arms and his thighs. He wrapped his arms around his shoulders trying to offering himself as much comfort. His eyes quivered with intensity as he glanced at the man's name one more time; he wanted to engrave every moment permanently behind his lens. He wanted to make up for the time that they never truly had. He wanted to remember this person whom took up so much of his world.

Baekhyun hoped that the night would be longer. That way his time with Yifan would seem like it was compensated a little.

The next day he was battered. He missed a whole sequence of steps and was scolded by kasper 30 times. It was unlike the male to make so many in one lesson. Kasper ultimately waved him off and asked him wash up before the break ended. 

Chanyeol is the first to notice his struggle. 

"What is the matter?"

"I need some form of pain."

"What?"

Baekhyun was miserable. He couldn't take it anymore. He wanted someone to hurt him. Pain was never second home to him, but he felt like he needed it more than comfort. "Hey... Hurt me."

Chanyeol's expression were evidently shocked.

Baekhyun pleaded with his gaze, his heart was sinking. Everything was hurting his heart. He wanted to cry but the tears were lodged like the emotional ball in his throat. He needed something, anyone. He just wanted to release everything. So he could suppress the aching against his chest.

Chanyeol didn't agree. Instead he held his arm out. "Come here and hug me."

The elder relented at first, but Chanyeol clearly wasn't going to accept that. A second later, Baekhyun finds himself in the arm's that are so warm. He felt the back of his hair being caressed in a gentle manner, he is like a child being lulled to comfort. Except it wasn't what he needed right now.

The elder retracted his arms and moves down to find Chanyeol's wrist and guides them slowly to the base of his throat. Baekhyun doesn't need to say anything, Chanyeol understood his intention.

He felt the warm hands gradually part away from his grasp as he is enveloped in the warmth that he is slowly becoming addicted to. "I can't do that..Can a hug hurt?" He is pulled closer to Chanyeol's chest. Baekhyun released a weary sigh, his eyelids dropped half way. He was so tired. So, so tired. "You're warm. Like always." He said.

The other leaned his tall frame down to the red hair's shoulder length, his breathe brushing ever so gently against his ears and whispered, "I love you."

Baekhyun firmly dug his nails down Chanyeol's back; like he was the only good thing left in his world. He hears the other's steady breathe ghosting right near his earlobe and he habitually counts it. He heard his voice, how timbre and deep it appeared in a normal converse, but it was mellow and soft like honey when he professes his love again in his ears. "I love you so much it's insane."

Baekhyun knows that he doesn't deserve Chanyeol. That what he is going right now is hurting him as well. That was all he was capable of; hurting him.

He wanted to cry, but he had forgotten how to.

He was nested in Chanyeols' embrace, where he found his sanity spiraling into nothing while he broke apart, bit by bit. His existence was a burden just how his father believed it was.

"You shouldn't love me. I feel like I have nothing left to give you. Every part of me is marked by him." His eyelids burned with unspoken emotions. He looked at Chanyeol's face, his throat dry and choked up again. Baekhyun didn't miss the flash of sadness flickering across the other's orbs, or the drop in Chanyeol's lips before he hardened his smile again. "If I don't do it now then I'll regret it. I'm a big boy. I know what I’m doing. If it burdens you that I say I love you then I'll stop... You know I'll do anything for you."

Chanyeol's smile was finally cracking at the last part. His eyes were flushed red as tears sprung down his delicate features.

Baekhyun felt all the strings inside his core snap.

They held each other for the longest time. Baekhyun's thumb runs over the trail of tears while shedding his own. “I’m sorry.. I'm sorry...” He repeated like a broken record. He knew what he had done would never be enough for anyone. He was known for destruction; leaving chaos in his path. He only knew of one way of moving and that was to pace through violently. Baekhyun never lowered his head for anything, but here he was, in front of Chanyeol, with his head hung low and his knees on the ground.

Byun Baekhyun is like the color red. Impulsive in his decision and violent in his manners. However reality couldn't shy away from the black tendrils pouring down from his shoulders, it chases down to his thigh and traps his throat in the form of lynching. Crisonm couldn't hide the filthy black underneath his skin. He was dirty, from the inside out. And he never wants Chanyeol's color to be tainted.

. He felt warm lips pressed against his own while Yifan’s image burns through the air like wax. Baekhyun finally meet's the pair of serene gaze. They remind him of the way Yifan used to gaze at him. The only thing was, this was another shade of blue. This was different. Baekhyun could see the love in his eyes. It's intense but subtle like his being.

That was the first time Baekhyun trusted that Chanyeol loved him for all the cracked pieces he was.

…….

Baekhyun doesn't remember the last he had felt such warmth from a person's hug. He never trusted his family to offer him that. In his youth they did but their misery somehow twisted into a morbid form that rendered Baekhyun to be petrify for the rest of his life. 

Baekhyun never once believed that blood runs thicker than oil. All he believed in was that families crossed you faster than a stranger.

Baekhyun's childhood wasn't as terrible as his relatives liked to fabricate. In the beginning had a wholesome family, a mother, a father, a life of lavish and luxury. They weren't overly wealthy but they were stable enough to remain the envy of their neighborhood. The latter always had the best of the best. His parents made sure. He remembered when he came home one day after elementary school with a pair of shoe made out of canvas with a few scratch and dirty permanently etched on the material. His mother was furious. These weren't the expensive leather shoes that he wore out and she wasn't going to have her son be put down to that status. He would never forget the day she barged into the principal’s office with her son cowering behind her back. It was hours before the parental guardian came back with his rightful shoes. It was only then that Baekhyun felt that if something believed to you, then it will by all means come home.

Now the latter stood in his own apartment that he worked hard through his work, he doesn't frequently come to this apartment. It was mainly a place to retire his mother. She hasn’t always been a mother that is considered motherly; he long forgotten what is was like to be held in her arms, taking light inhales of her scent and finding himself basked in love. He had long forgotten how his mother use to be. He doesn't know when it started. He doesn't remember when he started to feel his words choked and dying on his tongue; all he knew is that he didn't care to look or speak back to her. He doesn't remember when he started to feel his heart palpitating just by the sound of her high heels clanking from the doorsteps to the corridor. He doesn't remember when he started to find his fist clenched pale, his bottom lips quivering while he bites his tongue down, hoping that his breathe wouldn't provoke her. Sometimes she was in a good mood. I most times, she wasn't. On those days, Baekhyun wished he wasn't so useless.

“Why are you an idol for? You don't even make enough! Why can't you do something properly for once?”

Baekhyun was only a shy 18. He figured that a regular occupation wouldn’t be suitable for his personality. He tried working in a restaurant and despised it since day 1. His wage was as poor as the scrubs in his fingers, he just wasn’t making enough to be deemed competent. His first year as a training was hard. He didn’t take long to debut, only a few months and he was categorized with with 11 other trainees. They were soon to be the new rising group - EXO. Baekhyun was proud of his group and every individual but his mother never approved of him. Not even when he generated a handsome wage, to her, Baekhyun will always be that incapable young boy that he she knew of his whole life.

The latter doesn’t want to say she is a terrible mother. If he did, then that wasn’t true. She may not have been what he needed, but she was what made him who he was today. She tried her best ot give her everything. Even though it was in the most toxic manner that she called “love” he may have been either ended on the streets or living with his father whom already started a family. He hated either sides, both maintained the same mind set.  
  
She isn't a terrible mother. She was a strong woman who tried to give her son the best of everything, and a whole life of agony.

………

Baekhyun remembers the first time he spoke to one of Chanyeol's ex-girlfriend. They didn't hold much of a long conversation. The conversation mainly evolved around Chanyeol and a few other superficial topics. Baekhyun wasn't entirely jealous against Chanyeol's past. That was a first given. He admits that he is a compulsively possessive lover that persistently hides it behind his cold demeanor. Rather this time, he was more intrigued in how much his lovers understood him.

"You're close to Chanyeol?”

Cheng Xiao didn't even ponder for a second. “Not really.”

Baekhyun was almost in disbelief. Although he still was quite convinced as well. In the beginning the taller did vaguely mention how he barely knew Chen Xiao and the two were long term friends, but it seemed like it was mainly physical than romantic. The woman moved on and found someone else and Chanyeol didn't speak much about her since.

"Do you know what he is like when he is mad? I'm just wondering since he has been less talkative?"

"I don't know either-"

There it was again. Her blunt answer. Based on the other's sincerely disorient expression, she wasn't lying.

"Never mind that." He chuckled and diverted the question to something more superficial. It would be too rude to continue on.

Not that he had to anymore.

...

Baekhyun once asked Chanyeol who understands him the most. He said it was his ex-girlfriend Suzy. They conversed on hours until ungodly times before they broke up over schedule.

"What does she know about you?" The elder held his beer can closer to his lips with the blankest expression.

"I don't know. Just I talked to her most. I don't usually talk so much. I usually listen." Chanyeol found his can and scalped a huge lump down his throat; bobbing his adam apple.

"I kind of wish to meet this lady whom you say knows you best."

"I would have introduced you to her but she disappeared." Baekhyun didn't know of the younger was teasing him or not but the alcohol made everything they said like it was a playful joke.

"Already. If I'm lucky." The red hair smiled at the other. The other reciprocated as well.

"You know." Baekhyun shifted his knees so he sat comfortably against the couch after sitting in the same position for 3 hours. "I met two of your ex-girlfriend recently."

Chanyeol placed his empty can down. He appeared to be taken aback as his eyebrows crooked to a questioning glance.

"I didn't do much. Just asked them how much they know about you. One said she didn't know and the other called you an idiot."

Chanyeol laughed.

The red hair probed his elbow on his thighs, his chin nesting upon his palm. Now that the singer thought about it. How much did he know about Chanyeol?

“I don't know if I know you a lot either. We may be in the same group but this thing that we have between us.” Baekhyun felt Chanyeol's intensive gaze resting on him as he dragged on his sentence. It truthfully hasn't been longer than a month.”

The corner of the singer's lips tugs in amusement. Everything about Chanyeol is still raw. He doesn't hear enough about the man's likes, dislikes, his habits and his manner of living. All Baekhyun understands is that, when Chanyeol wants something he always gets it.

“I don't know much about you either. You're still mysterious. I don't think I know what you're really thinking.”The way Chanyeol said it wasn't like an appreciation, it was almost like he was sadden.

“I don't think you would want to know what's underneath my layer of skin. It's filthy. Baekhyun saw the serious gleam in Chanyeol's eyes as he raised his head and spoke with definite. "No you aren't.”

Chanyeol knows nothing about him except the layers that the elder was willing to let him explore. The prodding ache that has permanently resided in Baekhyun's chest has never once left its guard. He could only smile wistfully at the man as his mouth forced into a cracked smile.  
  
"You know. You are very extreme when it comes to loving someone. When you love, you love hard." He took another small drag of his bitter alcohol and grimaced at the second sip. His tolerance had always been bad and it was starting to show.

Chanyeol noticed his distasted and chuckled while taking his can away. "Yeah. I take pride in that."

"The more I know you, the more I feel like you're not an idiot. I actually don't like your friends calling you that."

"They use to think I was intimidating but after talking to me they released that I was just a stupid idiot." Chanyeol laughed.

Baekhyun knows that Chanyeol friends are an important part of his life. He loved every one of them a way that only he knew.

"That's why I say you love too hard. You actually love them. That's why you put yourself in a position of a happy fruit. I can see it in their eyes. They adore you. You are like a Polaris in their world. It's not that you don't understand. You just don't want to take things too seriously so you render yourself to a silly boy."

Chanyeol was taken aback. "Wow. I don't want to admit but you're right."

"Of course darling. I'm Byun Baekhyun after all." he broke into a boxed smile and caressed his boyfriend hand.

The rest of the conversation evolved mainly of what Chanyeol desired.

“What's your ideal family like? How many children do you prefer?" It was an out of the blue question that the elder habitually asked out of anxiousness. He wasn’t even thinking when the question popped from his mouth. It wasn't the first time that they spoke about families and dreams but it didn’t ease the awkwardness between two potential people that may spark something deeper.

“Hm. I've always wanted someone that is kind, nice, can cook and make me smile. We would have four children. Two boys and two girls.”

“You mean you want a wife.” Baekhyun corrected and then laughed.

“No, I want you.”

One heart is pacing faster than the other, and Baekhyun is certain that it's coming from his.

……..

Baekhyun remembers the first time he and Chanyeol became an official couple. It wasn't a major announcement or anything but rather a subtle declaration that Baekhyun had finally accepted Chanyeol. Baekhyun remembers the glow in his partner’s cheeks, he looked so full of life that it casted a shadow over Baekhyun's ashen expression. The red hair was content. Not precisely happy. He believed he liked Chanyeol enough to do this. He can really fall in love with this person. But Yifan's ghost would always flash behind his lens. Baekhyun doesn't love Yifan the way he used to anymore. It was more of a bond that they both passed off as awkward friendship.

Most of their friends and colleagues were surprised while the remainders were knowing of the situation and supported. Baekhyun glanced to his side; Chanyeol caught him staring this time and offered his most charming smile while squeezing his hand.

Baekhyun thought that maybe if time goes on a little longer than he will no longer have to fill in these doubts. He would hold Chanyeol's hand proudly and grasp his demon by the throat. Everything will be okay.

Everything had to be.

…

That thought was held to a gun point after a month had passed. All Baekhyun could think of was the emptiness in his ribcage. He was certain that he was fond of Chanyeol and eventually love him. However the doubts that he may have accepted too soon and was hurting the latter never left his mind. Before their first month, he broke away. He told Chanyeol to live well and find a woman that would love him whole. Chanyeol was reluctant. Baekhyun didn’t forget the sadness that casted over his expression. During one of their long nights, Chanyeol yanked him into his arms and buried his nose in his hair.

“Can I keep you? Damn it. It's the first time that i've felt this…”

Baekhyun secured his arms around the latter's waist and shook his head.

Chanyeol went silent. He didn't say much more after and handed him a box. Baekhyun didn't want to accept it at first, but Chanyeol insisted he keep it. “I wanted to give this to you when you were ready to be mine. I was anticipating our first monthly anniversary... I don't think I have a reason to keep it but I still want to give it to you. You said you liked star constellation. You spoke about how you liked the northern star. I found the brighter star of all.”

Time was moving steady fast in its own world, but in theirs, it was flowing like gold. Baekhyun felt the warmth seeping from his chest to the planes of his knuckles. Chanyeol was a dream that he never had thought would become a reality. He was someone that he would never had imagined crossing paths and staying in each other’s life. Baekhyun might not have adored anything that belonged to his world, but Chanyeol was the lone exception that brought color to his monodrama. He knew he wasn’t the best kind of friend, let alone his ideal lover, he wasn’t the best at holding himself together.

However Chanyeol was the hope in his destruction. He was afraid of the repulsive exposed under the light. The thoughts daunted him every day and the number of break ups were unaccountable.

…….

Baekhyun remembers the first and second time he broke away from Chanyeol was because he felt like the man loved him more than he did. He didn't know if his heart and body was ready to move on completely from his past. Would he be able to love Chanyeol to the fullest that he deserved? What if he made a grave mistake and hurts him. He didn't want to think about the consequences of losing this one person that ever held him together with such delicacy and gentleness. He doubted Chanyeol's abnormal affection towards him for the longest time. It was hard to believe that someone like him existed.

Baekhyun remembers the first time he initiated an open relationship. He admited that he was curious with polygamous and that maybe a female in the middle would make their relationship spiced up. The fact that Chanyeol was straight and Baekhyun was always in satisfied made him dare to propose this decision. Baekhyun was truthfully quite fond of three way relationships. When he was still with Yifan, there was Yixing. The three of them didn't come out but they had a chemistry that may have been potentially formed if they stayed longer together. Chanyeol didn't like the idea at first. His brows were furrowed in a crease. Eventually he agreed, it came to a bit of surprise to the elder. They played it safe by testing the water first. Their first polygamous relationship was more of an intended prank to their colleagues. It wasn’t precisely official in any form. They invited Taeyeon who was the safest amongst everyone. Baekhyun and Chanyeol had a platonic love for this woman. The most they did in their polygmous relationship was a peck on the lips and nothing more. Baekhyun was drowning in the adrenaline rush of something that he was so accustomed to the thrill and reckless. It was like coming home to a drug addiction that he’d spent his whole life laying off from the goods of his wellbeing, but couldn't stop himself long enough before relapsing. Baekhyun was liking every second of it for no apparently reasons. He thought that maybe Chanyeol had finally realized that he preferred woman more and thus agreed to his proposal.

The younger never thought so.

“I still find it funny how you agreed to this polygamous relationship." The red hair is beaming with a playful grin. He leaned his head against his lover's chest and counts the faint beating behind his shirt.  
  
“I can't believe I did either."Chanyeol ran his elongated fingers down the columns of Baekhyun's nape. Baekhyun can feel Chanyeol's chest vibrating as he chuckled. Perhaps it wasn't out of amusement but more of a halfhearted kind.

“It's not too bad. I've always been fond of polygamous. Just had no one to do it with." He wasn't lying on that. Baekhyun would have been in a polygamous relationship sooner if he didn't meet Chanyeol at this time. Chanyeol was more of a conservative type that preferred staying with one person. Even if the taller was fooling around as time passed, Baekhyun doubts the man ever cheated on his lover's. That's why he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Chanyeol agreed. He teased him almost every day about it. Their polygamous relationship came to an end when Chanyeol finally admits to his reasons behind accepting it.

“I hope you realize how bullshitting this really is. I'll do this for as long as you like since you want to try it, until you're bored of doing this.”

It was a palpitating slap to his face.

Baekhyun fell silent for a good minute.

An hour later he called Taeyeon to cancel their relationship.  
She didn't object since the relationship wasn't even real to begin with.

Baekhyun was once again untitled with Chanyeol. They once again reverted back to no status. Chanyeol was understanding and said that he was fine with the way it was. He knew that Baekhyun couldn't hold a relationship long enough before suffocating himself in the space that he had created. The two were once again back to square one.

The grey and indefinite.

Baekhyun remembers that they weren't far into their relationship. Around the second and the third month of being on and off together, Baekhyun felt his heart ache as Chanyeol smiled so effortlessly at him while taking Baekhyun's frail hands in his own warm palm. He remembered the way he assured that he wouldn't leave or change feeling. It was their second monthly anniversary. Baekhyun was preparing a digital painting. He was going to prepare a song at first but he figured that it could be left on another occasion. He wasn't great with painting digitally, but he''d spent his break time between schedules and worked hard on completing a portrait of Chanyeol. The theme was "An addition. A warmth that I can't resist." It may have seemed corny but that was the best way of explaining what Chanyeol meant to him. What the male didn't know was the part that Chanyeol had prepared something ahead of them as well. He asked Baekhyun to be dressed before heading out of the younger's personal apartment. When he had asked where they were going, Chanyeol only winked and said it was a secret. He once asked the man whether he took his flings home to which the taller assured that he took them to his condo and his apartment was new and ex-free. He said it with a coy grin and the red hair really found difficulties in trusting his words but chuckled along. He was seated in the front passenger seat with Chanyeol taking the courtesy of holding the door for him. He watched the younger run towards the driver end and buckled in his belt. The engines were turned and Baekhyun was fiddling with the play list. "What song shall we play?”

“Hm. Anything you like. Show me what your tastes are." Chanyeol directed his head to his shoulder and smiles at him.

Baekhyun felt like a high schooler traveling with his crush. It was such a phenomenal feeling that he felt like flushing at that moment. "Hm. Have you heard the neighborhoods? They are a really good band with songs that make you want to make out and flirt.”

“I haven't. Show me.”

Baekhyun picked the most thriving tune. Sweater Weather appeared on the radio, the tune was a solid strum in the beginning before it picked to the chorus. It was fitting for their drive, it was just the two of them, their sneaking glances at one another’s direction and their flirtiest smile. Baekhyun mentioned to find his phone and snap a good side profile from the corner. Chanyeol caught him in his not so shy of an act and laughed. "Why?”

“My boyfriend is good looking so I'm keeping it as wallpaper." To call him boyfriend was still foreign on his tongue. It always made him feel his insides coil in a manner that made him feel like he could combust any minute. His bottom lip was bitten as he saved the picture as his wallpaper. He wasn't going to change it for a long time.

Chanyeol gradually extended his hand over and found Baekhyun's petite hands. He entwined their fingers together before guiding them to his lips and plants a kiss on his small knuckle.

Baekhyun felt like he could be in cloud 9. His heart was accelerating by the second. His smile refused to wear off and his snowy cheeks were flushed into a tinted rose.

Their hour long ride remained with their hands entwined. Chanyeol only pulled away after pulling his Mercede Benz to an unoccupied parking spot and then turned to his shoulder to gaze fondly at the elder.

Baekhyun had already unbuckled his seat belt when he felt the intense gaze from the other and turns to meet him. "What is it darling?”

“You're beautiful." He said. Then proceeded to unbuckle his belt and climbs out of the vehicle to stretch. He knew that Baekhyun would be left inside the car for a good minute trying to process his words before turning beetroot and fends for himself in calming the hurricane in his heart.

“You are such a tease! "The singer stepped out and rushed to the taller side to throw him a playful punch to the arm to which the other had no problem in dodging. "You're really cute when you are like this you know?”

“Shut up hmph.”

Chanyeol cupped his face delicately and elicited a wide grin. "Close your eyes. I'm going to blind fold you. It's a secret so no peaking!”

Baekhyun blinked then nodded in compliance. He didn’t know what his lover was planning but it probably was something romantic. The elder usually isn't one to be fancied by these kind of settings, however since it was Chanyeol, there was always something new to experience.

He followed Chanyeol blindly. His hands were amidst the air while he was tugged by Chanyeol, he tried his best to following his guide and watched his steps carefully.

“Chanyeol?”

“Almost there baby.”

Baekhyun nodded and took a few more meticulous steps before he felt his lover take a halt. The satin around his head came loose and his eyelids fell open; lashes fluttering a few times to adjust to the lighting and falls to a loud astonishing gasp.

It was beautiful. In the middle of the beach situated a fine dining restaurant. The table was a perfect two, cutlery laid neatly and candles illuminating the rose petals. The sun was about to set, basking the scenery in a glow of dawn and a romance of night. No one has ever done something like this for him. This was the first time that someone has went to a length of doting on him like this. Even though he wasn't a fan of romance, he knew that Chanyeol would be the exception.

“This is so amazing…”The red hair turned to his lover. The elder's eyes were glistening a little. Everything was so raw and emotional. He didn't know how he should respond to these kind of events.

Chanyeol found his hands again, right where they rightfully belong. He pulled his chair out and seated him down before motioning to the opposite end. "I'm glad you like it baby. Today is our monthly anniversary so I wanted to make it special." By saying that he then gesture for the wait staff to come over and instructed for the courses to begin and then mouths a word of gratitude.

The first course was a steak. Baekhyun was cutting the pieces small while conversing with Chanyeol about their days. It was enjoyable as always. He noticed that Chanyeol ordered a lobster instead and chuckled at their indifference. Everything about them was like the sun and the moon. Their habits, their diet, their preference and their mind sets were the complete opposite. Baekhyun shared half of his steak with Chanyeol, feeding the man despite his protest that he should eat more instead. He liked the idea of doting on the giant. They felt more like a married couple than two lovers that had indefinite status.

The evening went by and soon their course were finished. Baekhyun makes the standing and grabbed his lovers forearm, pulling him away from the restaurant and stopped right by the stair case and took his shoe off. He encouraged a baffled Chanyeol to do the same thing and slinked his feet in the cool bed of sand.

“I want to pick shells. That way I can pick one for you and one for me.”

Chanyeol nodded in agreement and began searching through.

Baekhyun was crouched aside him, his head occasionally leaning towards his shoulder and secretly relished in the presence of Chanyeol and the sounds of waves crashing.

“Did you know that mermaids marry by putting two shells that fit? There is only one of a kind. Only these two shells would match perfectly. Instead of a ring, they use that. Under the moonlight they profess their love and then put the shells together and seals it with a kiss.”

Chanyeol seemed intrigued by the story. "Then let's find one that matches.”

Baekhyun knows that Chanyeol dreams about marrying at the beach. He prefers anything romantic, a church would be nice too. However Chanyeol knows that Baekhyun adores the sunset and found it to be more fitting if they both held it in a place that was special to them.

They didn't really find a matching seashell in the end. Baekhyun found a blue shell and dropped it in his miniature jug. He even took out a condom at one point and threatened Chanyeol to not laugh or he would punch him since he saw this on a documentary and condoms were very durable in holding gallons of water. Chanyeol always seemed curious about his 'experiments' to which the elder always explains that it was his experiment with growing poison.

The sky was dark and the ocean never appeared more alluring. The moon was shining on the sands sparking glistens on the pebbles like starlight. Baekhyun had his head nested against Chanyeol's forearm while they talked hand in hand to their vehicle.

He may not have found the shell that would fit just like the tales of the mermaid and her lover. But he knew that was safe in the arms of someone that truly adored him, and that made him content enough.

….

Baekhyun remembers that there were the good and the bad times. The bad times were Baekhyun's stubbornness drove Chanyeol insane and they broke up or gave each other the tantrum. The good times was when either Chanyeol lulled him into his arms and said he loves him and apologized or when Baekhyun waddled to Chanyeol's arms and wrapped his arm and legs around his frame and got his forgiveness with a pet on his head. There were times when it became really intense and the two would even break up and swear to never talk again. Baekhyun found difficulties as time went on. He felt that Chanyeol was having greater control than him now. Their position have complete switched from the beginning stage.

Chanyeol always assured that he loved him. That he loved him just as much as he did in the beginning.

At that time, their relationship was once again grey.

It became a secret again. The two were dating and yet Baekhyun was afraid that others will label Chanyeol as "Homosexual" when he clearly wasn't. It bothered him a lot since he knew of Chanyeol's background.

Chanyeol always told him that he didn't mind. That he wouldn't have these feelings for another male.

“You know that I don't mean it when I said I hate you, don't you?" The light in Chanyeol's eye dimmed. "I just want to be with you even if it's this way. I won't push you into a relationship if you don't want it. I just want you to be by my side… I don't know how long will we stay together. I just... Just I want to cherish every moment. I sometimes overthink but I try to bury them deep. It wasn't easy but I think I'm taking it quite well.”

The elder felt pain again. His chest was stuck in a tight form that fastened his ribcage hard. He didn't think it was far. Chanyeol was always the one to give more while he was the one to doubt. He couldn't even give him a proper relationship without having to cower behind his wall. Baekhyun may have spoken out of impulse, but one thing he was certain of was that he and Chanyeol would be together for a long time. This was bound to happen sooner or later.

"What if I signed the marriage papers?”

“You don't want to marry though.”

Baekhyun bite his bottom tier. It might have sounded like an impulsive decision but he didn’t want Chanyeol to feel like his effort was futile. Marriage… was only a matter of time. He sometimes could see himself with Chanyeol, maybe with their own children in a house that would be secluded to themselves. The idea seemed so daunting yet so wonderful.

“Give me the papers and i'll sign it.”

“Are you sure you won't regret?”

“You know it will just be the two of us that will know this. It will be our little secret.”

“You really want to?”

“Yes.”

Baekhyun remembers the way Chanyeol's eyes lights up in a gentle glow. He remembers finding himself in Chanyeol's arm for the longest time before they pulled apart. He remembered his heart beating fierce against his ribs. He remembers them planning the little details to their wedding ceremony. They didn't have much time since it was going to be on the day. The marriage registration office would close at 6pm so they only had 5 hours left to prepare. They were in the car, driving around to find a store that would tailor their last minute suit. Baekhyun held Chanyeol's hand. He could tell that the taller was excited and nervous at the same time. They found a department store and walked in hand in hand after parking the car. "I can't believe we are going to do this" Baekhyun was taking every of his fiber to calm the waves of hurricane in his heart. His expression didn't give away how nervous the elder truly was inside. To hell, he might have actually dug his hole in asking Chanyeol to marry him out of the blue. There wasn't any proposal or romantic settings. He may actually have ruined their first proposal. Chanyeol sensed his discomfort and gave his hand a squeeze. "Baby. What should we get?" Baekhyun scanned around the aisle and picked the simplest suit. It was a black suit and a white polar shirt inside. It didn't have a tie and it was a simple formal wear. "This one! You wear this suit as groom. This looks pretty comfortable and easy to move in." The suit is pressed against Chanyeol's chest, gesturing for his fiancée to change in the dressing room.

Chanyeol didn't take long. He came out in Baekhyun's selected suit with an alluring aura and a classy structure. He reminded Baekhyun of the Greek gods, the renaissance statues that stood proud in all its glory. The red hair was at loss of words for a good second. Chanyeol took the audacity to smirk in smugness while tucking his index under the petite males chin and helps him shut his mouth.

“Rude.”

“A fly could have went in. "Chanyeol chuckled.

Baekhyun huffed. Slender fingers ran gently over the surface of the suit before moving to fix the white collars. Chanyeol always looked handsome in anything he wore so he was lucky since that was the only thing stopping the red hair from punching him.

“Now my turn. How about something casual like a white shirt?”

Chanyeol nodded in agreement. Baekhyun found an oversized white shirt to done his figure. His pants remained the same; skinny tight jeans. They were both fit comfortably, just how Chanyeol liked it to be. Baekhyun suggested that he wears a flower crown instead of a holding a bouquet. After some contemplation, Baekhyun decided that roses would be perfect for the crown.

“Why roses?”

“You like them.”

Baekhyun smiled fondly at Chanyeol and then leaned his head against his other’s shoulder briefly before the florist comes back with a wreath adored in crimson roses and baby breathes while the edge was a silver line of peonies. The singer was happy with the final product and asked the taller to place it on his head. He watched Chanyeol pick the crown and nest it perfectly on the center and then he peered up bashfully.

“You look beautiful." He felt the warm press of lips upon his cheek and wondered if he was still dreaming.

“We just need the ring now."Baekhyun finds Chanyeol's hand and laces his fingers through. Chanyeol like the gentleman he was, always insist that he wanted to carry the bags. No matter the weight or size, the latter never wanted Baekhyun to carry anything. The elder after some bickering gave in with a chuckle.

Their last destination was Boucheron. Baekhyun remembered Chanyeol wearing a Boucheron ring and figured that a matching band would-be adorable. The elder tugged the younger behind and hugged his arm while pointing to a few selected bands. “What do you think about this?" The band was a pair; one was simple and classy while the other was sophisticated in diamonds and intricate in the details. Baekhyun felt like the ring was a personification of them. Chanyeol was the notion of simplicity and Baekhyun was the notion of complexity and chaos.

Chanyeol thought the ring looked wonderful and Baekhyun was glad to hear that. He was about to slide his credit card across when the taller whined. “I wanted to buy our ring!”

Baekhyun shook his head and laughed while pushing his card ahead. "You can buy our rings when we get married for real. This one I want to buy it. Something for us.”

“This is a real wedding!”

Baekhyun hushed him. "Don't be so loud or everyone will know.”

“Then don't say it like it's fake.”

“Yes yes yes darling. It is 100% real, no refund.”

“Good." Chanyeol was sulking like a child. Baekhyun had to nuzzle his shoulder while laughing to ease his tension.

After a good 10 minutes, the staff presented two box on the glass counter. The pair of engagement bands were nicely wrapped in a classic black box and a ribbon tied over. The sales woman offered them a polite smile, and Baekhyun couldn't help but smile back. He sometimes wondered what others see when they looked at them. Was he fitting for Chanyeol? Now that the rings were prepared, he took Chanyeol's wrist and held his hand out and carefully picked the ring between his dainty fingers and slips it on Chanyeol's fourth digit. "I know i haven't given you much.”

He stared at the single band glistening under the light and curved his lips.

“This may be the only time that I get to do something for you.”

Chanyeol didn't say anything. He just pulled Baekhyun into his warm embrace and held him for a while.

It seemed like forever before the two lovers parted.

“Do you know how a marriage is officiated?”

“I'm not sure- Should we do it at a church instead?”

“Let's sign the papers and leave the vow for the future.”

“I agree. Urgh… I'm so nervous.”

“Hey.”Baekhyun squeezed his hand.“We have a whole life ahead to be nervous of. Imagine us with children. That's something more worth being nervous of.”

“I thought you didnt want children?”  
“Exception can be made after time darling.”

….

They somehow mentioned to make it on time. The office was an hour away from closing, leaving them to be the last pair to go on. Baekhyun grasped firmly on Chanyeol's forearm. They were going to do it. Everything was surreal and yet it also felt so right.

“I'm nervous.”

“Me too.”

They smiled at each other one last time before entering the hall. The room was decorated in the most minimalistic decor, there was only a flower centerpiece situated above the table for the soon to be couples and a candle illuminating the corners. It wasn't anything grand or lavishing that they both would have had in mind when it came to a marriage, but everything felt intimate and private, just the two of them; and that was enough.

“It's actually quite simple and a bit pretty the more I look." The elder seated himself in the chair and handed the form to the officiant and the two witness.

Chanyeol scanned around before sitting next to Baekhyun and delivered his paper across as well.“It's very cute.”

The ceremony required a lot of paper work. When everything was set the form was stamped. Baekhyun removed his hand from Chanyeol's and signed his name at the bottom. The paper was then signed by Chanyeol.

Like that, they were lawfully bounded.

The elder gathered the marriage book in hand. He elicited a smile and then turned to his husband and handed the certificate to him.“You keep it.”

Chanyeol took the certificate, his eyes never once breaking contact.

“Now I've signed my entire life to you. You don't have to worry about anything from now on darling.”

Baekhyun only watched Chanyeol put the papers down before enveloping him in his arms and sealing their mouths together. The kiss was tender. Chanyeol lingered his lips a little longer and then pressed his lips upon his forehead.

“I love you Baekhyun.”

He uttered so softly that it took Baekhyun every bit of sanity to keep himself from breaking into tears.“I know silly.”He formed a boxed smile, eyelashes glistening wet.

“Hey that's not how you are supposed to reply to your husband.”

“Didn't you know that wife are usually the one to retort back.”

“Pft. Then you need to be disciplined.”

“Sounds hot.”

They gazed at each other and smiled.  
Their hands went to find each other habitually; fingers laced.

“Let's go home.”

Together.

………  
  
Their marriage was a secret for 3 months. The first person to find out was Taeyeon and Kai. Taeyeon wasn't surprised, but she wasn't entirely not surprised either. Kai congratulated them both and promised to not tell anyone.

Their relationship was still unsteady even during their relationship. Baekhyun was dealing with emotional stress with his family and Chanyeol became busy. The singer found some comfort in reading and composing. Sometimes he would turn to the hour clock and count the hours and minutes it takes for Chanyeol to come to his arms. Baekhyun learnt that Sundays Chanyeol would be gone for the whole day and only come home at late hours. Baekhyun doesn't let it bother him and keeps himself occupied. He does everything he can to avoid his mother... But that only remained as a thought. On days when he would fall off another argument with her on the phone, he wished Chanyeol was here. But at the same time he wished he didn’t see this. Baekhyun never showed him his mother. He was too afraid of doing that. His mother was homophobic and never liked the idea that Baekhyun was with a man instead of being committed to a woman. The red hair was too tired to explain. There were times when Baekhyun doubted his marriage with Chanyeol. He didn’t love his husband less. His only concern was of their sexuality and their schedule.

Baekhyun always felt like he was hurting Chanyeol.

Their time was limited by two hours per day. Baekhyun would stay up a little longer to catch his husband. For how long were they going to do this? They haven't formally held their wedding yet. They have spoken about it numerous times and tossed between a church and a beach. Nothing was set yet and Baekhyun was feeling agitated as days went on.

When Chanyeol came home, Baekhyun turned the cold shoulder. Their response became short and bare. Sometimes they wouldn't talk at all while eating. Chanyeol is the first one to bring up the conversation.

“What is happening between us…?”

“We might be just a bit busy. Give it some time.”Baekhyun doesn’t beat around the bush in his answer. It was true, both were busy in their schedule and barely had time to be together.

“Are you suggesting we are breaking up?”

That caught Baekhyun off guard.

“What? No. I didn't mean that.”

“Then what do you mean.”

Chanyeol has never reacted this way. Baekhyun didn't know what had caused him to conclude that he was leaving. Perhaps it was the scar that was engraved in his husbands bone; the wounds that Baekhyun inflicted over the months that he had turned his head.

Baekhyun's expression fell. His heart sank heavily.

“I mean. We just need a break between one another. It will be fine.”

The conversation somehow took off in the middle and became a heated argument. Baekhyun was throwing an equal fit when he really did want to. He didn't understand why his temper was always so bad.

They fought like that for an hour until their dinner turned cold.

“Let's divorce.”

“No.”

Baekhyun threw a hard glare at the other. Chanyeol didn't seem bothered by it one bit. He was firm on not divorcing and that was that.

They eventually agreed that they needed some time apart.

Baekhyun was nodding along in agreement, but deep down, he never meant anything he said.

…

Christmas was approaching. Baekhyun took a pause in his schedule. He was experiencing abnormal level of stress and a stomach that would churn every minute. He was uncapping his antidepressants after another arguement with his mother.

“You're a disgrace.”

He screwed his eyes shut and twisted his palm hard against the cap until his knuckles were pale.

“Your father is disappointed as well.”

Baekhyun's eyes recedes red. His heart is palpating in a hard beat and his lashes begun to feel moist.

“No wonder he left.”

The cap busted open and pills darted across the floor in slow motion. Baekhyun watched every single capsule drop while he stood with pools of tearing streaming down. His red eyes wandered to the picture frame hung on the wall in the living room. It was a picture of himself when he was 12, his mother, and a male figure that had his face scratched out with a black marker.

They say a mother's love is great.  
They would always love their child unconditionally.  
Yet his mother loved his so greatly that she would always hurt him in the way that rendered him to inferiority.

“Are you happy?”

His gaze is hard on the man in the picture.

“Are you fucking happy!" He threw the empty container towards the picture frame and watched it clash onto the ground.

His canine seeped into his bottom lip, gnawing on it long enough until it break the tender layer and drew blood. It was like his 17 year old self again. Him lying on bed after his father left. His father was once his entire world, and yet he ripped it right apart and left with another woman that he said would bring him a greater future. He remember lying on bed, his uncle telling him that everything was going to be okay. He gave the boy a kiss on his lips, something that he knew was wrong, but he was convinced it was right. Then he watched the man take his shoes off.

The doors closing behind.

Baekhyun never wanted to recall the rest. His memory would always stop at the shower head hitting the tiltes hard before landing like nuclear on his shoulders. 

Nothing will ever cleanse him.

He was filthy from inside out. 

Baekhyun tried to suppress the memory over and over before he always went to bed. Months became years. He went from a teenager to an adult. Relationships after relationships and he never forgot the pain that existed deep in soul.  
  
It was something that he never wanted anyone to know, yet he hoped that someone would find out so that he could be saved. He was fool for hoping for that.

It was like the air was tightened around his throat again. He struggled the catch the next breathe and instead heaved into the air. His stomach was churning in the sickest manner and he needed to empty it out before he combusted. He doesn’t mind the shards jabbing into his bare feet as he stormed to the sink and hurled once more.

He heaved a few more times, until he felt like his insides were flipped out.  
When he couldn’t feel his knees anymore, he sank to the floor and hugged himself. Just like how he always did many years ago. Hugging himself until he felt warm again.

Only this time, he wished Chanyeol was here.

…  
  
“You're pregnant.”

“What.”

Baekhyun gave his personal doctor a questioning brow. He had to be kidding him.

“You really are. Almost 4 weeks into it. His doctor tapped his pen against the clipboard and turned the monitor to his direction.“I believe you have been experiencing nausea and insomnia correct? That is all sign of a pregnancy.”

Baekhyun wasn't listening anymore. He was completely zoned out, horrified, shocked, and then petrified.

His doctor sensed his disbelief and thus continued to explain.“From your blood level, it is relatively high and abnormal. I suggest you to find something to relax yourself. Take a break from your schedule and carefully follow these strict diet and instructions. If you continue this you may miscarriage.”

“Okay... What else must I do?”

“Maybe ask your husband to help you with dividing your load of work. A father's presence can be quite useful. Especially when a baby is attached to their father's scent.”

Baekhyun remained silent.

“Is something wrong?”

The male adverted his head to the door with a blank expression.

“I don't know if he would want this.”

……

The next few days was complete torture. Baekhyun was experiencing difficulty in sleeping and always found his face stuffed into the fridge hunting for strawberries or pasta. Baekhyun hated pasta, only Chanyeol liked it. Baekhyun figured it was because he took after Chanyeol more, so he would always find himself gorging in spaghetti and garlic. Sometimes he would dash out of his apartment at ungodly hours and visit a convenient store just for the sake of buying strawberries. He would take packs of it in 4 at once. It was unsightful, but he had to do it for the baby.

He still didn't know what to name the baby.  
He only found out recently that the baby was a boy.

Baekhyun remembers that Chanyeol had always wanted children. He wanted four, two boys and two girls so they were paired up and weren't lonely.

It took a few more days before Baekhyun took the courage to message Chanyeol. The messages were almost too sarcastic or too brief. He was beating around the bushes, trying to figure out the best way to break the news without provoking his anger.

‘I'm pregnant. It's so funny. I can't believe it.’

“Are you serious.”

‘Don’t worry. It's not yours.’

He was too afraid. He came with the first lie that surfaced in his head. Chanyeol didn't ask who it was. He just said congratulations.

‘Can you name him?’

Baekhyun at the very least wanted his husband to name their baby. It was theirs after all. Maybe Chanyeol knew he was lying and went along with it. Or maybe he didn't this. Chanyeol texted a few names and their meaning.

“How does Haneul sound?”

‘It sounds nice. Is there any more suggestion?’

“How about Byul. Byul means bright star”

“Suits my light theme.”

‘And Cheol. Cheol means masculine.”

Baekhyun liked that. Cheol reminded him of Chanyeol's spelling. Byul Cheol. In from of other's he will be Byun Byul Cheol. But in papers he will be Park Byul Cheol. Only he would know.

Their conversation ended around there.  
Chanyeol would text every day to ask how Baekhyun was. Baekhyun would reply with short answers. The other never seemed to question more either.

Baekhyun remembers when Chanyeol came one day. He had finally admitted that he was the father and he was struggling to manage this pregnancy himself. Chanyeol was in disbelief for a moment but he didn't seem to be surprised by it either.

He came to Baekhyun's apartment on Christmas day. His head was pounding and his his insomnia was not going to cooperate with him even at this time. The loud thumping against his door only made his headache intensify. The elder stormed to the door, blanket wrapped around his shoulder and cussed the hell out of the person behind.

He was quite astonished to find his husband standing there with a cake in one hand.

“What are you doing here-" He mumbled unintelligently and lets the blanket drift down his shoulder.

“Chanyeol didn't say much and invited himself in. He walked to the kitchen and placed the cake on the counter before pulling his scarf off.“We are spending Christmas together.”

His heart was burning again.

He covered his flushing face behind his palm and diverted his gaze away.

Baekhyun remembers when Chanyeol placed his hand over his stomach for the first time. He did it so gently; running his hand back and forth over the flat abdomen.“This is the best Christmas gift.”

…….

Baekhyun remembers the first time that Chanyeol was angry at him was when they broke up again reviving their relationship. It was the same again. Chanyeol gone for the whole day and Baekhyun struggling to maintain his emotional level.

“Why do you keep doing this!?”

“Divorce me properly!”

Baekhyun was serious at that time. He wanted to call an end. He didn’t know why specifically he wanted to. He just felt trapped.  
He felt his shoulder being grabbed by a harsh grip. Eyes burning into his skull while the man before him unveiled years of pent up emotions and the fear of being abandoned by his love again. “Stop hurting me Baekhyun.”

It was a slap.

Baekhyun parted his mouth and eventually stopped resisting.  
His mind had stopped and heart was dead again.

He didn't realize how much he was hurting Chanyeol. Or perhaps he did, he just continued to fuel it for his own sadistic need.

..

Chanyeol wasn't heard of for a while after that.  
Baekhyun didn't ask. He locked himself in his room and hugged his own knees. It was falling apart again. Just like it always has been. His friend asked him the same question while they were dating as well. He remembered Taeyeon telling him that what she saw was something that shouldn't have done.

“You know. If you had seen Chanyeol the way we have seen him. No one should deserve to be hurt like that.”

“That's why I told him to stay away.”

“Then why did you do it?”

“I don't know.”

“That's what I'm asking again. Why did you hurt him if you knew it would kill him?”

Baekhyun doesn't know how to answer that. He only put the call down and donned into the dark space; to the silence that never granted him an answer.

….

Baekhyun doesn't recall how he made up with Chanyeol. All he knew was that a day felt like a million. He didn't need to understand the melancholy in his head. All he need to know is that Chanyeol was all he ever wanted and nothing would compare to the pain of losing him.

Weeks became months. They were celebrating another monthly anniversary. They missed a few due to schedule but Baekhyun has decided to free his completely. So he withdrew from the entertainment industry, away from his dream and away from the spot light.

Now his hopes and dream lied in Chanyeol's and their son Park Byul Cheol.

Chanyeol would make a habit of leaning his head against Baekhyun's stomach. His abdomen wasn't expanding like a normal pregnancy, however the doctor assured that it was fine. He was use to extreme diet and thus that contributed to his relatively flat stomach.

“Are all Cheol's body being squished between your organs?”

“Probably. But his head is here.”Baekhyun pointed to the small bump sticking out.“This is his head growing outwards instead of being jammed between my organs.”

His husband ran his large hand over the bump. "Grow well inside mommy's stomach Cheolie.”

“Why am I always being called mommy. Hmph." It came out more of a sulking huff than a question.

“Because who else is the wife in this relationship.”Chanyeol laughed and Baekhyun couldn't resist the tendency to hit his husband in the arm.

“Ow ow ow. Violent pup.”

“You asked for it! I am only the wife because you wouldn't bottom. Hmph.”Baekhyun crossed his arm and turned his nose up and to the side with a pouty lip.

“Admit you like bottoming.”

“N-No I don't!”

He found his ass being caressed by a large palm.

“This butt here will have to suffer a little more. We are going to have 3 more children.”

Baekhyun is still startled by that amount of number but he doesn't object to it.

“Okay…Fine. But first get me strawberries.”

Chanyeol sent a kiss to his temple and grinned.“Okay. I love you both. Will be back with strawberries for my two babies.”

Baekhyun resumed pouting his lips out to make it seem like he was still mad.

“I love you too stupid. Now off you go.”

He really did. In a way that might not have been understood by others, but he did it in a way that he hoped the other would know that it was sincere.  
….

The sun has fallen and the two decided to go out on a date. It was their monthly anniversary and truthfully they hadn’t been going out much. Baekhyun was dressed in Chanyeol's oversized grey hoodie and a black tight jean. Before going out, he applied a thin eye liner and red cream based color over his lid. He fanned his left eye until it dried, then felt a pair of arms circling around his waist and turned to meet his husband.“Do you like it?”Baekhyun's arm dangled over his shoulder and inspected every perfection to his features.

“You look lovely. He complimented and pressed his lips against his soft tiers.

Chanyeol insisted they go on a date. Baekhyun suggested they go to a night market and grab something to eat. Nothing made the ex-vocalist more happy than gorging himself in food. The taller agreed and held his hands as they walked through the sea of strangers. The night market was vivid and thriving. There was so many night stands that caught Baekhyun's attention. They were walking half way through the bustling streets with two sausages in hand.

“Want a bite? He raised the sausage to Chanyeol's mouth. Only to be rejected by a shake of his head.

“No you eat.”

Baekhyun pouted.

“What's wrong baby? I’m really not hungry. I want you to eat more for Cheol as well.”

Baekhyun didn't argue back and instead asked for something else.

“Can you get me strawberry milk?”

Chanyeol, like a robot on command immediately ran off to the nearest convenient store and came back with a strawberry milk carton and a forehead dripping in perspiration. “Sorry baby. All the stores didn’t sell strawberry milk so I took longer.”

Baekhyun pulled his sleeve and damped the sweat off Chanyeol's forehead.“Take a sip first yeollie.”He lifted the carton of milk with the straw popped in and urged the taller to drink. Chanyeol was reluctant at first but eventually took the sip. Baekhyun sipped right after him, his eyes forming into a happy crescent and hugged his husband's arm.

Chanyeol smiled down at him. Then he was leading him through the crowd and the elder didn't take notice of the detour of streets. It wasn't until they arrived in front of a luxurious 5 star restaurant that he panicked.“Wait- Yeol- You didn't tell me we were coming here.”But as he was saying that, his feet were pulled inside the building.

“Don't worry love. It was a surprise. Chanyeol nodded at the usher and followed the wait staff to their reserved table. Baekhyun was highly self-conscious of his dress code. If he had known that they were coming here then he would have worn something decent.

“I don't think- oh my god-”

An astonished gasp fell right from his lips. The table was set romantically. There was rose petals scattering neatly over the table cloth and next to the cutlery. The candle was the centerpiece and the lighting was dimmed. Chanyeol pulled his chair out and guided him to his seating with a knowing grin.

“This is so beautiful Yeolie.”Baekhyun was gazing at the rose petals fondly. It was such a lovely setting. Especially with the night city skyline on the left.

“I'm glad you like it.”Chanyeol layered his hand over Baekhyun's.

They conversed through the dinner with things that they have been missing out. Baekhyun finds out that Chanyeol needs more time in producing his songs. The elder doesn't object and tells him that it was okay.

"I feel like I have to be more mature now. I can't be childish anymore. I'd like to be better for you. I need to be a better man and a good husband for you.”

Baekhyun probed his elbow on the table, his chin nesting on his palm as he gazed at this man that once was his friend and band member before becoming his lover and husband. He remembers every single bits, to the part when they cried and the part when they were childish. He knews that Chanyeol is no longer the man that would run when he wanted to. Now he has matured and learnt to run when he needed to, and halt when he must turn back to point that he began and find his own pace.

Chanyeol had come a long way on his own and as his wife, Baekhyun is proud of what he has become.

“I'm proud of you Yeolie.”

He seems a bit of glisten in the other's eye but he doesn't call out on it.

They shared a long gaze between one another before the second course is served.

Baekhyun remembered the box he had stashed in his pocket and digs in to find it. Chanyeol caught the blue box in Baekhyun's hand while the fork was still leaving midair to his mouth.“What is that?”

“It's for you.”He said and then passed the box gingerly across.

Chanyeol placed his cutlery to the side and unwrapped the ribbon. What he found inside was a blue egg painted in white. He peered up to glance at his wife for an answer. Baekhyun just nodded and encouraged him to crack it open. The elder watched the younger crack the egg apart and found a small strip that had the message. 'You're going to be a father.’  
Chanyeol was baffled. He didn't understand the message at first. "Wait are you pregnant with twins? I don't think you can be pregnant while being pregnant-”

Baekhyun laughed and shook his head.“No this is a make-up. I wanted to tell you about Cheol in a different way. I know we didn't do it in the best way and everything was always dramatic angsty. I wanted to do it in the simplest form. This is my anniversary gift to you.”

Chanyeol's expression went from pure confusion to a lighten of amusement and blessed.

“Thank you darling.”

“Don''t be love.”

…..

Time was transitioning between seasons in a faster pace. Baekhyun was already in his midterms. His stomach was expanding just a little bit more to fit Cheol's head.

“I feel fat Yeolie.”

“No you aren't.”A kiss is planted on his temple.

....

Soon another month had passed. Baekhyun was closer to his due date and his behavior was reverting to somewhat of a child.

“Look look Yeolie.”

Chanyeol turned to him.

“Octopus.”He swayed his arms in the air and wiggled.

His husband chuckled.“Why have you been so obsessed with octopus?”

“Octopus has 8 arms so If I was an octopus then I can cling onto you and you will be forced to take me and Cheolie everywhere you go.”

“I wouldn't mind that idea.”

Baekhyun dragged his arm around Chanyeol's lower waist and pressed close to his torso.“Also if you're mean, as an octopus I can slap you with 8 arms.”

“....”

“You are lucky I love you.”

……

The day had came when Baekhyun was due. Baekhyun at first decided upon c section. He knew that male pregnancy wasn't well accepted in the society and it was usually performed this way. However Chanyeol somehow convinced him to do it naturally. He said that since they will have more children then he should keep himself away from being under the knife. The delivery was painful, actually painful was an understatement. It was a complete torture having a head ripping right through his ass. It was like his body was being torn into two pieces. He was having extreme difficulties in the 18 hours but Chanyeol was there to hold his hand despise his cursing.

After the last final push, Cheol's head came popping out and the doctor congratulated them for their first born. Baekhyun was panting weakly, but the moment he saw their son, he felt like everything was worth it. He lulled his head to the side with his remaining strength and gave Chanyeol a peck on the lips. Chanyeol tells him how he great he was with the delivery and sends him another kiss.

Baekhyun was admitted to the wards for recovery while Cheol was in the cubicle for checkup. The doctor came with the good news they were both healthy and ready to be sent home.  
The elder is released first, they waited a bit longer until the nurse came with their son wrapped in hospital blanket. He was so small and fragile.  
…

Baekhyun remembers Chanyeol tearing up as he held their son for the first time.  
“He is so small and delicate. He is everything.”

Baekhyun's glanced over to their son and smoothed his thumb down his small forehead.“He really is. A bit of you and me.”

….

Baekhyun remembers their first honeymoon while he was still carrying was in Japan. The elder was the one to surprise the other with a ticket to Japan. He remembered how much Chanyeol loved visiting that country, so he figured that it would be a good destination to be in a place that he is comfortable for their honeymoon.

“I really want to go snowboarding again. Like last time. But I think I can't... He glanced down at his stomach.

“We can do it when Cheol is around 5. We can bring him to Japan.”

Baekhyun whined. Protesting that 5 years from now was too long but he didn't seem to have any other choice.

…

Their stay in Japan was relatively long. They found it peaceful here. Although Baekhyun was experiencing language barrier and couldn't leave the house without Chanyeol, everything else was wonderful. They bought a whole suitcase full of baby clothes and kimono fit for their unborn son. Towards the end of the day was Baekhyun's favorite. He would snuggle his head in his husband's bare chest, his breath ghosting ever so gently against the skin.“I never knew you were in the mile high club. "A kiss is planted on the junction of the man's neck.

“Mn. You mean what we did on the plane."Chanyeol surpassed his groan.

“And to say you weren't kinky.”

"I'm really not." The latter chuckled.

Baekhyun nested his head on Chanyeol's chest. He liked the faint beating of his husband's heart from beneath while he relished in the rise and fall of his chest.

"Mn. You're right. I'm the kinky one."

Baekhyun demanded for another round.

…….

In the beginning of their journey of being a parent it was difficult to manage. They didn't know what to feed to baby or how to change his diaper properly. They didn't even know how to deal with their baby especially when he began to crying. Byul cheol was only a shy few months. He has been a good boy for the two new parents. Most of the days their son would sleep and only wake up to stare at his parent's ogling at him.

"He is so cute."

"Look Yeolie? He opened his eyes now."

Chanyeol would spend his free days staring at his son. It was like he was staring at a fine china plate. So delicate and fragile that he we was afraid of dropping their son.

Baekhyun wasn't any better but they will get the hang of it.

....

…….

Baekhyun remembers their special day.

Baekhyun remembers the mystic feeling he felt as he walked down the aisle of red pedals. Underneath his weight was a bed of golden sand and ahead was the sunset kissing his glowing cheeks. He was wearing a pure white suit, his hair was reverted back to his black hair arranged in a natural style since he wanted to appear in his realest form in front of Chanyeol. They only invited their friends and family. Chanyeol is the one to book everyone's ticket and the island that they found that had the most beautiful sunset.

He remembers being guided by Chanyeol's father, unfortunately his own couldn't come, but that wasn't important anymore. His steps are slow with the mellow of the orchestra. He finds the crowd smiling at him, because today is the happiest moment of his entire life.

He remembers arriving before Chanyeol. The other's suit is a simple black, his hair arranged back, revealing his forehead. He had to take a second to hold himself from turning red or stuttering out something unintelligent and fastened his grip around the bouquet of roses.

The officiant had made the pre-opening speech. The speech is then followed by the entrance of the ring bearer which was their son. He was dressed in a little tuxedo with a red bow, carried by Kai in arm while he holds the small red cushion nesting two rings. Baekhyun has never seen their wedding ring. Chanyeol insisted that he bought their wedding bands since he bought the engagement and kept it a secret until the day. The band was a simple silver. One had a diamond that exuded class while the other was a simple band with small diamonds on the edge.

Baekhyun remembers how hard he struggled to composure himself. The officiant began again, making in flinch in response.  
"We gather here in celebration of Chanyeol and Baekhyun's after being together for half a year."  
Baekhyun couldn't believe it has only been half a year. Sometime time passed like translucent water; and other times it passed like honey gold. Every moment was worth cherishing.

"True marriage is more than simply joining two persons together through the bonds of matrimony. It is also the union of two hearts and the blending of two families. It lives on the love you give each other and never grows old, but also thrives on the joy of each new day. Marriage is, and should be, an expression of love. May you always be able to talk things over, to confide in each other, to laugh with each other, to enjoy life together, and to also share those moments of quiet and peace, when the day is done. May you be blessed with a lifetime of happiness and a home of warmth and understanding."

Baekhyun drowned in the depth of Chanyeol's eyes. The reading went on until it was his turn to say his vows. He knew he couldn't stumble on his words in this one.

“Park Chanyeol. If you asked me to define you in a color then I would say you're a shade of blue. If you asked me to define you as something, then I'll say you're the light in the dark and complex. You once asked whether I believed in love and I told you that love knew of nothing except of healing itself from heartache. Perhaps to the world our relationship is not the most ideal, but isn't it the chaos that made the flower bloom so beautifully in the dark? I never had thought that I would find the sun's warmth in someone's embrace. I never had felt that these words: I love you were not enough to express the love tucked between my chest. When did you start living in my heart? Maybe it was when you barged into my world with your kaleidoscope of colors that made the final stroke to make my art whole. Before you, I was only a blank canvas. I never knew how warm a shade of blue was until you began to engrave your name in my bones. Why were we so attached to each other? Perhaps that's why we never worked out with others, because we were coming home to one another. There were times that I've hurt you, and those were the times that pained me the most. There were times when you felt like you couldn't motion forward in our hurricane and started to break into parts; those were the times when I should have held you together instead of cowering. You've taught me so much; loving me in a way that only you knew of. I know I wasn't the best lover that you've ever had, but I know that I was the only one that could fulfill the voids that the world couldn't. We fell slowly and we fell hard. It was overwhelming and subtle. You've shone your light in my dark and complex world and showed me what it's like to be alive - how nice it was to breathe with your love. If I were to choose again, I would still choose to be with you in this lifetime. I just want to exist with you, like this, always with my light.”

His vows were a lot longer than he intended. Truthfully he had forgotten what he initially prepared and said what was on his mind. He looked up to examine Chanyeol's facial expression. The man had wet crystals hiding under his eyelashes, earning a smile from the elder. "And also because you look ugly when you cry so I have no choice but to marry you." He whispered secretly between the officiant's speeches.

Chanyeol rolled his eyes and broke into a small grin.

The officiant announced for Chanyeol to do his vows. Chanyeol's speech brought tears to his eyes, and to think that he was trying his best to hold his composure. There was sniffling in the crowd and Baekhyun wanted to do the same, but he didn't want to interrupt his vows so he held it in.

Towards the end the officiant asked the groom and bride to hold their candles while the priest held the third one. Jaejoong comes from the side and offered the lit candle. The wind wasn't as strong as they had predicted. It seemed like the oceans stopped clashing so hard against the shores so that it wouldn't burn out the flames that would signify their hope. One represented Chanyeol, One represented Baekhyun, the other one represented god.

The officiant continued. "When you're burnt out and your light is off, I light it on. When my light is off, you light it on. And when both our candles are off and we feel like there's no one to light it on. We turn to god and he'll light them on."

Baekhyun averted his head to the side; glancing at Chanyeol's side and is met by his gaze. They look at each other affectionately.

The officiant lastly asked for the bride and groom to exchange their rings. Chanyeol is the first to take his petite hands in his own large palm and picks the ring from the ring bearer's cushion and slides it on his finger; tucking it right next to their engagement band. Baekyun mimics the procedure, he took the ring and runs it over Chanyeol's fourth finger; just like the time he bought their first ring.

"I now pronounce you married. You may now kiss."

Chanyeol bent down and crushed his mouth right against Baekhyun's. Their kiss is passionate, longing, and hopeful. The crowd burst into uproar and claps. It took them long while before they broke the kiss and laughed.

It remained as his fondest memory.

…..

Year had passed.

The ex-singer dyed his hair a neutral color and had laid off vibrant red since. He sometimes did miss his red hair and cigarettes. But now he was in his 30's had settled down and found someone to marry and have a family with. He never mended or came to a compromise with his mother. But he knows that he is no longer the boy that needed someone to save him.

Their son was growing and soon their second was expected. Their second born was a daughter, like Chanyeol had always wanted. He was completely whipped over their little girl. Cheol looked more Baekhyun while their little girl looked more like Chanyeol.

Their life was always full and content. Both their children had been a blessing to their life and kept their marriage stronger.

A year had passed and Baekhyun was having one more. Their third child came to this world a little premature. However he came out to be healthy in tests and was soon welcomed in the family after Cheol turned 3 and their daughter was 2. Baekhyun had the final one when he was at 35. They promised that this was their last as they held their son in arms and cooed at him softly.

Eventually their children were old enough to enter elementary school. Baekhyun would drive each one to the school entrance while Chanyeol was busy with work. Their hands were always full and they didn't particularly mind it. Chanyeol would come home to four voices calling out to him before his arms is filled with four little ones.

Eventually their children were old enough for secondary school. Cheol was the oldest in graduating and had a deep interest in music composing and drums. He said he wanted to be an idol like his parents. Something that Baekhyun and Chanyeol suported upon.

Eventually their eldest son had graduated and entered the same company that they were in back in their days. Their daughter was a year away from graduating but she had found an interest in art and wanted to be in an art gallery coordinate. Baekhyun always tells his children to chase their dream. Even if it wasn't fitting their ideal, as long as they were content, it was all that mattered.

Eventually their children all graduated. The youngest decided to attend university and was working on his PHD. Cheol had recently debuted in a new group. Their daughter had found someone and was planning to marry next month. Their third decided to travel aboard for a year despite their reluctance they decides to let him explore the world before he finds what wants to do.

Eventually their grandchildren came. Baekhyun was in his late 50. The ex-singer no longer had his glorious looks that drove his fans wild. He had streaks of white hair and wrinkles graced under his eyes. Chanyeol still looked as handsome as the day they first met. But that might be because it was his Chanyeol. They know that aging is showing on their features, and although they don't have the same presence when they were on stage, they had a glow that showed through decades of love and care.

He watched his husband walk ahead, his broad back reminds him of the times that he held his world together during the times he was breaking.

He reached his hand out.  
Just how he used to do it when they were young.

Baekhyun tapped his shoulder, Chanyeol; youthful again, turned behind and smiled at the male that he fell in love in their debut days.

Baekhyun followed suit. His grey hair has transitioned back his ravenous red hair that he once donned in his youth.

The wind grazed pass the two young lover's figure.

Baekhyun tucked his free hand in his pocket, giving the other a pat on the shoulder.

“I wasn't supposed to look back you know.”

Baekhyun sends the other his signature boxed grin. "You don't have to. I'm right beside aren't I? You don't have to look to the side if you are looking for me.”

He felt the weight of Chanyeol's arm slinging across his shoulder as they walked side by side.

“That''s right. I got the great Byun Baekhyun beside me. "Chanyeol's laugh was airy and heartful.

“Of course Chanyeol. You have me here regardless." The elder turned his head to the taller. "Don't ever forget that.”

“Are you a stalker?" Chanyeol released a low chuckle and changed direction; heading straight to the swings. "I miss being a kid. The only problem I had was what to pick between a car or a robot toy.”

Baekhyun stopped in front of the swing, his gaze following his partner. "You mean the time when we didn't have any obligation, stress and worry about surviving tomorrow? In the end did you pick the robot toy or the car?”

Chanyeol pushed his shoulder so that he sat on the plank and stood behind to push the swings. "I choose both and gave the other to my cousin. Guess which one I kept.”

Baekhyun grabbed on the chains for support and kicked his feet off as his red locks brushed from his forehead. "You gave the robot away and kept the car.”

“Ding! Wrong. I chose the robot because I used to think that I could be a hero. I should have picked the car because it’s better to leave everything behind. But I was a kid. I had no idea how cruel life could be. But to be honest, I don’t regret anything. I just thought it would’ve been easier to run away with everything. On the other hand, I'd like to face it just like how the robot faced his foes. And that's what I'm doing right now. I'm still a robot trying to protect and fight.”

Baekhyun kicked his heel and stopped the swing from rocking. "You're still a hero till this day. Although not everyone wants to be saved in a way that you imagine. But at least you're a hero in my story. So thank you for saving me.”

The taller had bent down, ruffling his hair with a huge grin plastered on his face. "Stop making me smile like a fool. I merely helped you baby. You saved yourself. I was there beside but you let this on your own. So thank you for letting me be there. I've always say that I can't imagine my life without you in it. I'm happy we were given a chance to meet and be in one another's lives. I'm glad we're surviving even though we're both hard headed sometimes." He gave Baekhyun a kiss on his plumb tiers.

The red hair secured his arms around his love’s head; cradling it under his chin and close to his heart. "You want to know something Chanyeol?”

“What is it?”

Baekhyun drew a light inhale of the scent that he had familiarized by soul.

“You're as warm as I remembered.”

…..

..............

.......................

Chanyeol turned the book to the last page. He thought he would bawl his eyes from reading the novel that Baekhyun had sent him months ago but he didn't. The ending was the happy end to their story that Baekhyun had wished he could have given him without all the complications in their relationship. In reality, Baekhyun only had one child with him. CHanyeol didn't make it to labour to witness Cheol's birth either. They never had that wedding and Baekhyun's birth was done by the knife; leaving him an 8 inch scar that he chose to remember for life. They divorced for many reasons and those very reasons were long burried in their hearts. Cheol was soon going to be 5. Baekhyun visited in the first few months before he concluded that his departure was for the best and didn't turn around since.

Chanyeol hears a voice and incomes his son who is an exact splitting image of Baekhyun diveing into his father's arms while his step mother trailed behind. The woman was kind and everything that Chanyeol had wished for. She was a good mother to Cheol and they soon were going to have an additional. Chanyeol wrapped his arms around his wife's pregnant stomach and tucked his nose in her hair; she smelt like Baekhyun's vanilla scent.

Life would always go on.

Chanyeol is sure that Baekhyun would have wanted him to find a mother for Cheol as well. He was reluctant in the beginning but life somehow tugged him along. Perhaps Baekhyun's novel was to tell him that their story wasn't a tragic one. That it still shined so radiantly, just like the Polaris that has shined upon them for living this way. 

His wife had called him to come downstairs for dinner and he left the room with his son bouncing up and down on his feet and the novel sitting near the window.

The sunset was basking the inked pages in a gentle after glow; the curtains were swaying in rythm to the wind as the pages flipped vigoriously back to the first one where an author presents a note:

' To my polaris, I never once thought that the word 'I love you' were enough and so I've always said it indifferently, in a language that only I understood and wished you would have felt it.'

The bottom of the page had a small blotch that seemed like a tear that had dried a long time ago and left it's presence pernamently. 

Baekhyun was stupid, but it was because he was Baekhyun so Chanyeol loved him the way he was. 

'you're still as warm as I remembered.' 

( I love you the most and always. )


	2. 02.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I tried to italic the scene, but it's so hard to do it here.

"Please. I will do what you want... Just don't leave me."

"How can I trust your words again? I'm tired of this push and pull. I don't want to be broken again. At this rate, I might really resent you for real."

Baekhyun drops his head, his eyes glassy and damp. "I don't know... I really don't." Perhaps this really was the last straw. The male knew that the other would question his words and truthfully he was right. Baekhyun would relapse once more.

He would cower. Except this time he didn't have much choice. His hope diminished and he was left with what he began with 一 inflicted pains from tightened knuckles and sour lips.

This time was different.

He didn't want Chanyeol to hate him.

He had to protect what little he had of the other's heart.

He had to run away.

...

( 'How many times can a heart break before it meets its end?' )

The question comes off as rhetorical before the silence answered. There is no one, just like his world, no one existed.

“It's a good thing we didn't say our vows. I wouldn't want to break it afterwards.”Baekhyun chuckled unmusely. It's always been like this. Push and pull until one dropped dead. He wonders how long must he live like this before all the strings in his cord snaps as well.

"My solitude was so sweet, but if you are sweeter than I won't mind your presence." His tongue draws the pronunciation to precision at the very last few words.

( 'Sweet' and 'Presence.' )

To others, Byun Baekhyun was an enigma and a time ticking bomb. No one understood his reasons behind his action. Truthfully, Baekhyun didn't either.

......

('We are so contradictory… No wonder we couldn't be together.’)

Baekhyun lulled his head back and settles it between Chanyeol's thighs while gazing up his ex husband's face. 'No. I might not have been the one to end up with you in the end, but at one point, we needed each other. You needed me, just as much as I need you.’  
Chanyeol's expression ashened and pulls into a wistful smile that made his eyes seem like they glisten like crystal beads. 'It's sad to think that we only needed each other at one point and that time has come.’ 

( 'Yeah. It's all in the past.’ )

"In the past.." The words roll off the tip of his tongue, its bitter and almost sweet at the same time. The tense was a heavy weight sinking in the hallows of his chest, but the memories of what he once have; /could/ have makes the anchor in his heart drop to the pit.

It left a bitter taste to their lips when the taller realised that their needs for each other only existed in the past. Their story一 crushed by Baekhyun's very filthy hands were left to be devoured by the flames that once made his heart alight.

Baekhyun didn't think of the taller as the flame itself or metaphorically.

He was a lot more warm than that. Baekhyun was never fond of the heat, but the other's heat was like the warmth of room temperature. He didn't have to love it, he only had to become addicted to it long enough to fall in.

( 'How are you so warm? You have a warmth that i'm addicted to, a craving.' )

Baekhyun knows that Chanyeol never understands his words. He can tell by the way the taller's lips curve to that certain point that it mirrors the sun. He knows that the man never once knew that he was lacing uncertainty and devotion through the spaces between his sentences.

'You say that a lot.' he would then feel Chanyeol's lips meet the junction of his neck and find his body wrapped in his arms.

(I wished you knew.)

Why should Chanyeol understand when Baekhyun never said it straight in the first place?

( 'Why did you sign it?' )

The divorce papers were torn by his hands. What was he feeling? Impulse? Rage? Guilt?

The other looked so weary while staring at him. His brow were formed in a crease and his eyes一 The ones that once hold his entire silhouette was bleak.

('Because you begged me to.')

Was the simple answer. And like the man that Baekhyun always described him to be /simple/ was a dagger right to his throat. The other didn't need another excuse.

It was flashing; ragging, twisting.

Then it combusted.

Baekhyun had finally done it. The end to the last phrase of:"What if there was another chance" was marked by: "But you lost it."

It was the full clause to last sentence of their story.

So why did he do it?

Why did he plant the misery between their proximity?

Chanyeol told him instead.

('Because you never try for me.' ) 

Baekhyun wonders if he ever did. Would the late nights of waiting for the taller even when its way due his bed time be considered? Or the part that he brushed his ex off but still came clean to the man of what he said and did? Would finding the little habits and etching an 7 inch scar on his abdomen be considered love?

To his ex husband一No. It wasn't. It wasn't enough and Baekhyun should have tried more.

Baekhyun doesn't understand the notion of love. All he knows is that love is carved in his ex husband's palm when he extends them out and brush the center of his hand against his cheek.

Except those hand no longer find his face. He is welcomed by the cold on the other side of his bed and a silence that he would have wanted more than anything in his youth. He was all alone, just where he started. However he didn't entirely despise it. He wanted to grow with the pain; the numbing that once made home in his rib cage a blooming rose.

................

'Why do you like roses?' He asked Chanyeol one day during their dinner. He saw him smile and even now, he would still find it so vividly in his dreams.

'Because its classy. Beautiful.'

Baekhyun spoke too much. Maybe that was one thing that irked his husband so much. 'But a rose is selfish.'

The man placed his cutlery down. 'Why?' His eyes were wide, innocent even. The man was too good for this world and Baekhyun knew better than anyone else.

'Because the gardener tends it with so much care and love, only to find his rose blooming and falling into someone else's embrace.' He held the glass to his lips. It was an implied metaphor, and that rose was Baekhyun.

Baekhyun threw himself in the arms of his own self pity and was devoured by the flames of his own cowardice.

...........

"If we get to start over, would I be different?" He is holding a photograph of himself and Chanyeol. He remembers telling the man to take another one since he wasn't wearing his make up. His face was bared to the oiliness on his nose which always made them shine. He remembers hearing a pleasant 'No' while the most fondest smile crept on the taller's features. Baekhyun didn't like the photo but the other loved it to bits.

The weight of the photograph was becoming heavy in his hand. He didn't have to look at it, but it was only in these photos that he would find the smile that once meant everything to him.

( 'Take responsibility for your words.’ )

Chanyeol was telling him to grow up. 

Enough was enough. 

Can he really drop the resentment and the pain rooted to the core of his bones? The pain inflicted by his entire family and his uncle was like a constant reminder that demons were living and breathing the same air while counting his solace breathes. 

He couldn't tell Chanyeol what truly happened behind those closed door. He didn't need to and he didn't want to. 

He only told a few, and those few left with his secret just how he wanted but took a piece of him away as well.

"I probably wouldn't have changed." He doesn't stare at it anymore. He doesn't throw it either一 he wouldn't do that again.

He will take the roots of his melancholy to his grave. 

He tucks the photo between the pages of his new novel 'Polaris.' The story that narrated almost every bit of their times spent together. He could have written more, he had missed out on so many parts but he couldn't. His hands were trembling while they typed every single word.

It was a thorn stuck in the middle of his lungs.

His punishment.

He didn't write about the part when the taller would sneak a kiss on his cheek or mostly his lips when he is unattentive or zoned out.

He didn't write the part when his heart would race when the taller called him baby or sometime pup because it was so affection from his timbre voice that Baekhyun long forgotten what it was like to be sane.

He didn't write the part when the taller would cling onto him at bed, reluctant to let him leave after making up on their infinite times of break up. Baekhyun tells him that he needs to go home to feed his pets and grab fresh clothes while the man just pouts. He didn't even mention the part when he walked to the lift, turned his head to only find the other standing near the door step before running towards him in full embrace. 'Stay here with me.'

He didn't write the part when they first got their apartment. It was a mess, Baekhyun actually intentionally left it out. Due to the nature of their relationships, they've sold their house numerous times to avoid the memories before the taller finally settled into one and made it his own. Away from Baekhyun.

He didn't write the part when Chanyeol would always tell him 'Good night' and 'I love you.' Regardless to their fights, he would always remember to say it. He stopped hearing it soon after.

He didn't write the part when the Chanyeol bought him two micro piglets. He remembers that Baekhyun once wanted a piglet since he saw Chanyeol adopt one and wanted to match. Their names were 'Barbie' and 'Kyuu' To which Baekhyun slapped the man for naming them that.

He didn't write the part that Chanyeol loved chicken but had an allergy towards it. He didn't write his favorite is pasta and seafood. He doesn't include the part that Chanyeol liked coffee and soda and barely touched alcohol unless necessary. He didn't include the part that he use to prepare breakfast for him first thing in the morning. Chanyeol use to wake up before him. His hand would extend to the half warm side and would find the taller waiting patiently on the side, fully dressed with a smile that he adored the most. He would find Chanyeol with a tray of breakfast that he had prepared and a kiss that feeds him first thing.

Those times were short lived when Baekhyun stopped finding the other with breakfast prepared and concluded that things between them were changing in pace. It didn't bother him, but he missed it.

He didn't write the part when he held his tongue back from kissing Chanyeol's plumb lips. He was still a virgin, much to his friends shock. He stubbornly protected himself long enough to hold the little dignity and scars that he bore in his youth and rejected every advance. He didn't mention how he once went on his knees, the soft tip of his tongue tracing the mounts of Chanyeol's crotch and the thick denim scraping ever so sinfully against his chin while his tongue raked further south. 

Chanyeol's eyes were indecipherable. He is only met with a flashing smirk that burns the fires in his loins while fingers danced along the waistline.

He didn't include the part where Baekhyun faked a gag with a mouth full of cock; it was a play to be victimized but Chanyeol took the signs for real and pulled away immediately, spooning him in his arms while whispering strings of compliments. He didn't include the part where Chanyeol became odd after. He left the living room, leaving Baekhyun and their deed behind while taking a cold shower.

He didn't write about the part when Chanyeol first slept with him. It wasn't how they would have imagined but it was done in Baekhyun's style一reckless and rushed.

Baekhyun was slotted on the man's abdomen while the taller was trapped on the ground. Baekhyun was trying to make a point again. Those challenging gaze and the sins that he is going against his principles sparked the desire to conquer and win. He found himself riding on Chanyeol's shaft, insides convulsing in reluctance and pain but he didn't hate it. He had Chanyeol fully inside, something that he would never have dreamt about. It was a trespass to Baekhyun's bottom line and yet Chanyeol did it so effortlessly. It was like he was made for him.

Or once was.

He liked to believe that he once made Chanyeol feel good enough to be competent.

That he did once tried to give everything that he cherished to Chanyeol willingly.

With the exception that his stubborn pride refused to acknowledge it out loud and made an excuse that he did it out of Drunkenness.  
Baekhyun didn't write the part where he first showed Chanyeol the sonogram of their little baby. He was only 4 weeks old and a little white spec on the black and white photo. He didn't mention how Chanyeol's eyes brimmed red and then caressed the photo with his finger. 

Baekhyun didn't write the part where his friend drove him to hospital during an ungodly hour with his legs soaked in his broken water. He didn't include the part his friend asked where Chanyeol was and all Baekhyun could answer was that he didn't want to come. He didn't include the part he gave birth alone, with no one's hand to hold or kiss his forehead well done. He didn't let it bother him, in fact it didn't. The first thing that was one Baekhyun's mind after birth was to let Chanyeol be the first one to see their boy. He was noticed that Cheol was healthy and ready to be discharged but his stomach was sliced open by 8 inch and had to be recovered slowly. Baekhyun couldn't wait for it. He pulled the ivy needle from his wrist and gathered his shirt to cover the ugly scars that was still fresh from the operation. He somehow convinced his private doctor一 Sehun to show him his baby and allowed himself some time to sneak out while they weren't attentive and arrived by Chanyeol's house unceremoniously by his doorstep.

He gave his ex husband their son and then left.

Sehun scolded him for being so reckless again and locked him in his ward so his stitches would fully recover before stepping out.

Pain wasn't uncommon. He was aware that his scars from c sections would suffer the consequences when he perspires too much or when its raining. Sometimes the scars sting when he showers but he treats it as a reminder to never commit his crimes again.

Baekhyun didn't write so many things into his novel一 his farewell letter to the man that once was his husband.

In fact, he fabricated almost the entire story. He had turned some bits and pieces of the scenes to construct a happy reality that Chanyeol probably once saw in his visions when he first told him about his dreams.

It was meant to be the most simplest thing. That was all Baekhyun wanted to give Chanyeol.

He may not have been the best wife or the most ideal lover, but at the very least, in this fictional story where he had the chance to rewriting the ending一 Chanyeol was happy with Baekhyun. Like that always, he preserved Chanyeol's smile. 

......

Baekhyun wants to scream. He wants to cry until his eye sockets falls out and his heart twists untie it collapsed. He wants to take a knife and shove it down the part where he hates himself the most, the cause to his chaos and his catastrophe. He wants to burn his flesh until he is all clean.

But what was the point?

Chanyeol was gone.

He came so gently into his world that he left so Violently.

He would come home, to an apartment that lingered no traces of Chanyeol. He would sink into the mattress that could only hold one weight instead of two. His arms were outstretched and he would find nothing except the cold numbing to his empty side.

( 'I missed you.' )

Is that what he wanted to say?

Baekhyun would stare into the blank space, the sound of statistics were prominent in his ears. He would visualise the giant. He would visualize his big ears perking out from his mash of permed locks and his lips tugged into a sheepish smile while he turned to his side and plants a kiss to his mouth.

He would visualize Chanyeol telling him: 'Good night. I love you.'

And Baekhyun with his lips agape, trembling even while the first word that rasped from his lips is something long overdue. Something that he wished he said more when the man was still here. "I..."

Its lodged in his throat again.

Except what could he lose when he has lost it all?

"I love.." A tear escaped and he is shameful of it. His voice is cracking against the glass surface but he didn't want to care anymore.

"I love you too....so much Chanyeol."

He would never heard it now.

"Good night..."

...

His heart was shredded and his eyes were red from the weight of his emotions. Baekhyun forces a smile. Not for anyone but for himself.

He places the novel into the mail packet and writes the surname that he no longer bears. His handwriting is sloppy and slow, he couldn't help it. Just how he couldn't help himself from relapsing again.

He was doing it with so much struggle that when he had finally finished, he spaced out for a second.

Bottom lips quivering and his teeth digging in to hold his act together. He flings his arm around the parcel that holds his entire memory, his wishes, his hopes and his /happy/ ending with Chanyeol and hugged it until he poured his sorrow out, leaving himself emptied and shallow to the very core. 

......

He eventually sent it out.

Baekhyun doesn't talk about Chanyeol as much anymore.

They don't always talk to each other. Only when its deemed appropriate.

In the end he went against his words again. He took every single photography and cut them apart. There wasn't many of their baby boy 一 Park Byul Cheol. They only had one that Baekhyun somehow mentioned to take. It was the first and last time they went out as a wholesome family.

Seokjin asked him why he didn't go back. Truthfully, he couldn't. He had no rights to.

Gradually Baekhyun placed an X over Chanyeol's face and only saw him as someone he once had an affinity with. But nonetheless an old friend that he would cherish and be there for if he asked.

His friends didn't question him further.

Baekhyun was different.

Baekhyun was taking responsibility of his departure (or trying to)

Baekhyun was going to accept his solitude a little longer. To nurture himself and stop himself from making the same mistakes repetitively.

He murdered everything he could.

......

The cafe was bustling but short on customers. It was cosy, very much to Baekhyun's liking. He is taking drags from his latter while his eyes train behind the glass. He isn't waiting for anyone. He promised himself that he would give himself time to mature.

He catches the attention of a father walking hand in hand with his little boy that would be the exact age of Cheol. Baekhyun's eyes wanders away, his hand touching his pocket and pulls out a photography of Chanyeol and Cheol smiling against a figure with an entire face cropped out.

Baekhyun lied again.

He didn't discard the photos of Chanyeol or Cheol. He only cut himself out of every photos until it was left with only the two most important people in his life.

He had to murder everything that was made of the old Byun Baekhyun and the Park Baekhyun.

He pushed the picture back into his hiding, away from the world's eyes and tucked it back into his heart. 

They didn't need to know. 

He stares at the misty content in his mug while circling the rim with his dainty fingers. 

'It will be okay.'

Chanyeol's voice vibrates in his mind and he shuts his eyes. Suppressing it back while taking another sip from his coffee. 

Maybe tonight he will ask dara if she was free to hang out.


	3. 03.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more plot twist.

Baekhyun prefers watching movies with sad endings. He likes the idea of soughting a deeper meaning behind the last scenes rather than find a sappy end where the prince finds his princess and they live happily ever after. Chanyeol never liked the angst or the dramas in a story. He had always lived simply一carefree. They always were a star struck contrast against one another. 

Chanyeol once asked Baekhyun why he never watched a movie with a happy ending. 

Baekhyun tells him that he could never watch a happy ending without feeling apologetic to his loved ones. 

When Chanyeol asked for the reason, Baekhyun does what he hates the most. Avoiding the question. 

"Tell me." 

"You don't need to know." 

Chanyeol always wanted to be in control where as Baekhyun didn't want to be held down. 

Maybe that was why they kept fighting. 

..

Chanyeol never liked Baekhyun writing. He was aware of the male's ashen gaze and his predominant aura that drenched in agony and distress whenever he picked up a pen.

He knew that Baekhyun was only inspired when he was sad.

Chanyeol had read his letter. He didn't question why Baekhyun changed the ending and gave him an answer. it wasn't what he wanted but not what he expected less from the male either.

Baekhyun had given him an ending where he was in the arms of someone else aside from his own. A happy end that didn't belong to them. Baekhyun gave him away. He tucked Chanyeol's body against a woman who doesn't even exist but would have been everything that he had wanted if she did. He took their Cheol一the only breathing existence of the love they once had and entrusted it into a /woman/. He took the remainder of his love towards the male into an ideal world where Chanyeol found someone else that could love him in a manner that his ex couldn't. 

How stupid was Byun Baekhyun.

So what if it starts a over?

Byun Baekhyun was never capable of finishing his step. He would take the first and Chanyeol would finish the remaining 99.

'It only takes 99 steps for you to come home to me.'

Chanyeol always gave baekhyun more than one chance.

But how many more could he give before his heart finds the exit?

.....

Baekhyun's head was pounding from the inside. He couldn't focus on his task. He would find himself either spaced out during a conversation or having difficulties leaving his phone. He kept on checking it一 the time stamp to the last he had messaged Chanyeol.

He had paid a visit to his ex husband last week. It has only been 7 seven days yet it feels like a thousand light light years away.

Their conversations remained uncomfortable, awkward even. They couldn't hold a conversation long enough to form a sentence that didn't probe the flesh against their heartache. Baekhyun remembers how Chanyeol didn't mind his stay for a few days although it was Baekhyun who had lowered his pride and followed his selfish heart一

'Can I stay here tonight?'

He shouldn't have asked.

'Cheol and I will love that.'

He really shouldn't have.

Because Baekhyun was suffering again. He was suffering from the relapse of wanting to run back.

But he couldn't and shouldn't.

Park Chanyeol had made it clear.

/You never try for me/

They weren't good to be, not meant to be anymore.

'I know you want to kiss me but you can't. I won't let you have it so easily. Unless you court me.'

'I wouldn't.'

'I know. That's why I said it will never happen.'

Baekhyun drives his eyes shut. He always ran his mouth faster than his mind. It was a mechanical process that he held for years for his defence. He didn't want to be hurt again, even though he was hurting the one person that he never wish to.

......

It hasn't even been a month. 

It was becoming more difficult.

He couldn't enjoy anything.

This woman at a club expressed interest towards him and be tried to accept her advance by flirting back but everything that came from his mouth was drained and dead. All he felt was the prick against his chest and the remorse crawling up to his throat like a regretful hung over.

(I don't like this.)

Baekhyun hated it but he didn't understand why.

His mind was convincing him that what he is doing is deemed reasonable. It was more or less an act of desperation; a desperation to eradicate the traces that Chanyeol has left behind in his world.

He doesn't belong to Chanyeol anymore.

So why is it hurting?

(Why do i still think about you)

He left the bar with a bitter laugh.  
He was laughing at himself.

He never knew how cheap he was at love.

Baekhyun counts the time Chanyeol stopped giving.

一Never.

He even gave into Baekhyun's demand tl divorce.

Chanyeol was always giving, giving, giving.

And Baekhyun was always taking, taking, taking.

'Why can't you try for me?'

Baekhyun was afraid to.

He was so afraid of losing Chanyeol that when he had finally lost him, it came as a relief.

Towards their son, Baekhyun always had contradicting emotion. Against wanting to hold their son一existed the thought of never wanting him to acknowledge he existed. The male knew he had nothing to offer Chanyeol or their son. The only thing that he could have ever given to his ex husband was a child of his own blood. Chanyeol tells him that Baekhyun gave him the best gift. A fruit of their love and a hope in his world. But Baekhyun felt like he gave Chanyeol his hope and murdered himself in the process.

Chanyeol stopped searching for him. 

When the moon no longer basks in the sun's light; the moon can no longer breathe. 

A long shadow was begining to overcast his expression and his entire world. It was cold, but when was it ever warm?

Just how much longer must Baekhyun like this.

He comes home to an empty apartment and charges his phone the first thing. He finds the old chat box with a contact name that he stares at every hour of the day.

No message. 

......  
It became a bad habbit. He knows he should stop but he can't seem to find an end. 

Baekhyun's eyes were always glued to the blank chat box. It took all of his will power to prevent himself from relapsing again and again. However his hands betrayed him once more as he sent a message to his ex husband.

'What are you doing?'

It would always take hours before the heart stopping notification flashes on his screen.

'Seen'

It probably was a joke but his heart sank.

He replies back.

'I'll let you get to your thing.'

He scolds himself. He shouldn't have been so cheap again and gave into his relapse.

/Take responsibity for your words/

He was trying to damnit.

The more he knew he was away from Chanyeol, the more miserable he became.

...

Baekhyun runs the shower head over his sorry figure. Water casades down his bare back, trickling down his thighs and pools in a fluid of red. He breathes from his mouth, the pain intensifying with each breathe.

He was on the phone with his father. People always believed in the fairy tale that making up with enstrangled parents would make everything better. As though everything would become a joyful scene.

Maybe Baekhyun wasn't blessed with that kind of script.

His father didn't want to talk to him. His tone was irritated and annoyed. He didn't understand why this man that he selomnly spoke to in the last 28 years would abruptly call. Was he hurting him intentionally?

He was so tired. So so tired.

Everything the man said was a struck to his lungs. Baekhyun tried his best to hold his tears from streaming and his teeth sank into his bottom tier to stop it from quivering.

In the end, he finally came to a breaking point.

"Appa..." The name was so raw on his tongue, forced to be precises.

'What.'

And all the years of pent up anxiety and petrified emotions of having to deal with even one of his family members on his birthday, new years, his secret wedding and everything came collapsing. Their criticism against himself and his mother and his mother criticism on himself was a burden that never made him dare to look straight into the light. The weight of a simple human emotion weights him down more than a tank ever did. 

He wanted to be saved.

He wanted the world to forgive him and his petty existence. 

He wanted it to stop hurting. 

His vision was blurred and his shoulders trembled. He was struggling to force the words out of his mouth while his lips quivered uncontrollably. 

(Please...)

(Please.... )

(Please...)

"Can you...please..stop hurting me..."

...

Baekhyun's eyes carefully pry open, his lashes are wet and heavy with water beads, but none the less, he could only think of one person

"Chanyeol..."

It was hurting. It was hurting so damn much.

And he deserved it.

His tongue can almost taste the iron running down from his nose. His scars feel like it was becoming tender and splitting open from the heat triggered.  
He knew he should have taken better care of himself. But he didn't want to. He never cared about his being or anything in his life. The only thing worth staying for had vanished from his life. He rubs his face and his nose, cleaning out the last bit of blood dripping from his nose and turns the shower head off. He doesn't move. The sounds of water beads dropping from his body were more like nuclear bomb falling on the cold tiles.

"Fuck this..."

He really should get a hold of himself.

Finding a towel to drape around his waist, he moves to the mirror. His reflection is so disorted that his eyes burns behind his lids一this is him. This is how he has always been.

Wrecked and hopeless.

He feels stressed from staring at it but he can't look away. The sight was repulsive and it made him break onto the bathroom fall with his hands clutching onto his wet face while he heaved his sorrow into the space that would only offer him his own misery and nothing more.

He falls asleep with his heat thumping slow against his hand while the demons in his head remains wide awake.

.....

Its seems like its been a while. Baekhyun checks his phone. Chanyeol's name is the first he finds. It becomes a routine; he finds his contact, he hesitates, he types a message, his heart drops.

Today was no different.

He enters a simple hello.  
Chanyeol answers hours later.

This time Chanyeol answered at an ungodly hour. The message carried no further emotions. It was polite and formal.

Baekhyun doesn't think too much about it. He is numb from the inner, but even so he wants to say it.

He knows that it might provoke the taller. Maybe the man would even resent him.

But what difference did that make from now?

'Hey. Can I say something and then you delete it later.'

He hasn't read it.

He types it.

' I love you. Good night.'

一message removed.

Chanyeol answers back.

'What is wrong with you..'

Baekhyun puts his phone aside. He doesn't want to read them.

He thought the message had end there but his phone flashes again.

'go to sleep, baekhyun '

The male chuckles humourously.

'I love you.'

(What....?)

'you're stupid and dumb.'  
'but i love you'  
'so sleep and stop sleeping so late. Its almost morning.'

Maybe it was a dream. Maybe when Baekhyun wakes up tomorrow this would all be fig of his imagination.

How could this be real?

Baekhyun replies. 'Im terrified to sleep. Every night is always the same thing. The pain is always so intense. The nightmare never leave. That's why i don't sleep. Good night. Delete my msg later.'

It couldn't be.

He sees the notif pop up again, and this time he tears up.

'Darling, I don't know what will i do with you. You shit.'

/Darling/ Its been so long since he had last heard the man call him by that.

'i missed you. how have you been?'

Baekhyun doesn't lie. He doesn't remember how to anymore.

'I've been spacing out.'

Chanyeol replies.

'you've been writing again.'

Baekhyun figures that he had finished reading the book.

'You use to hate me writing. You know i'm only inspired when i'm sad.'

Baekhyun watched the chat box process with /typing/ before a long pause follows. He frowns.  
He was about to say something but the message throws him off guard.

'Do you want to stay with me?'

What did that mean?

'I don't think its a good idea... But I want to.'

'you still love me right?'

He doesn't reply. His fingers frozen mid way from the screen.

Was Chanyeol implying....

Chanyeol answers it for him.

'Do you want to get back together?'

'But I wrote the ending-' It was the most unintelligent response that Baekhyun could form. Yet his heart is racing so fast that find it all too cruel to be in a dream as sweet as this.

'Who cares about that.'

More messages from Chanyeol followed.

'Do you want to or not?'

Does Baekhyun want to go back?

Yes an infinite times.

But he couldn't... Not without him relapsing. He knew it was too good to be true and he was right. The consequence of relaying their tug of war in an endless pushing game was a curse.

'I want to but I can't. We don't need to be in a relationship... Just you here is enough.'

Perhaps this distance is the safest. He wouldn't hurt Chanyeol more than this.

'Let's meet up.'

'Okay.' 

.....

Baekhyun arrives at Chanyeol's door. Nothing really has changed. Then again, the male was here last week. Chanyeol wasn't home in the mornings so Baekhyun took care of their baby while he was away. Towards the night their son was tucked away in his cribe while Baekhyun glues himself to the taller. His arms were secured around the otherls broad shoulders, legs half straddling the man's lap and his nose buried right in his neck. He feels Chanyeol's chuckle and resorts to tighting his embrace.

"Are you going to hug me the whole day?" Chanyeol draws his head above the petite male's bead and pets the crown.

"I'm going to hug you forever." Baekhyun didn't care if he seemed stupid or pathetic for doing this. He missed Chanyeol too much. The moment he caught that familar scent from the other, he knew that his walls were breaking down.

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea." Chanyeol plants a kiss on his forehead.

Baekhyun would have held on like this /forever/ if he didn't have to pull away eventually to examine his ex husband's face. Chanyeol never fails to look good. His hair was pushed back to reveal his forehead and his under eye were a bit sleep deprived, but overall the man was a beautiful sight.

"How are you."

Baekhyun catches the way Chanyeol's eyes lights up for a split second and then darkens.

"I'm good."

(I'm miserable.)

"Oh that's good."

Chanyeol doesn't ask him more. Chanyeol stopped asking more about him since a long time ago.

Baekhyun parts his mouth to say something again.

"I- I took Cheol out and we were grocery shopping since your fridge was empty. Some of my friends met him and said he looks a lot like you. A lot of them didn't believe that I had a son."

"Is cheol loved by your friends?" Chanyeol is about to say more until he feels the heavy weight on his shoulder and registers a brunette sleeping peacefully with his mouth agaped on his chest. Chanyeol resists to chuckle at the sight and lifts the male's the said man bridal and carries him to his bedroom and drapes the covers over his figure.

Baekhyun was probably tired. It was the ungodly hours of 3am afterall.

Chanyeol pads to the shower room and washes quickly before slipping under the covers; careful to not stir Baekhyun. His arms find their way around the male's waist and tugs his closer to his front一right where be belonged.

Baekhyun doesn't hear it.

"Good night darling."

But he would have cried if he did.

"I love you."

A kiss is press upon his lips before Chanyeol joins Baekhyun in a dream.

....

Baekhyun is woken to an empty side again. Except this time his blankets hides a fragrance that doesn't belong to him.

He adverts his head to the hour clock. 12pm. Gathering himself, he pads barefeet to the closet and borrows Chanyeol's oversized shirt and checks into the nursery room. Cheol was wide away and soundless. His heart softens at his son and picks him up meticulously; tucking him under his shirt so his mouth would latch on his bud. It was still an odd sensation to breastfeed, especially knowing that society never looked greatly upon male carriers. It was like a taboo. Then again the world never looked kindly upon homosexuality. Chanyeol could have married a woman and settled down with four children but instead he was trapped with Baekhyun in an endless cycle.

His thought is interrupted when he hears an inaudible sound and raise his shirt up and pats Cheol's back until he burped. "Cheolie. Are you full?" Their son was a good boy. He barely made too much of a sound or cried. He was always on his best behavior, although it scared Chanyeol with how silent he was.

"Do you miss daddy?" Cheol nose crinkled and Baekhyun takes it that he does.

"Me too baby."

.....

Chanyeol came home at a very late hour. Baekhyun doesn't question where he goes. They aren't like how they were before一couldn't leave each other for a minute.

"Lets go out."

Baekhyun crooks a brow. "With Cheol?"

"Of course." He flashed the other a coy grin while holding their son.

"Alright. Where is your coat?"

Chanyeol laughs. "Cheolie. Why is your mommy so dumb?"

"Excuse you but I don't live here okay." Baekhyun huffed through his nose.

"You pratically do since you stay here a lot." Then directed his chin towards the wardrobe.

Baekhyun storms into the said direction and tugs out a jacket for his jerk of a ex husband and a teddy bear onsie for Cheol.

The brunette is the first to find the pram but Chanyeol relents. He wants to hold Cheol, much to Baekhyun's dismay.

(I wanted to hold your hand...)

He wouldn't tell him that.

Chanyeol walks with their son craddled against his shoulder and Baekhyun holds the door open.

Baekhyun doesn't know where Chanyeol plans to go. They've walked in the cold for 20 minutes and appears that snow might fall soon.

"Lets eat."

Baekhyun is dumbfounded again.

"At this time?"

Chanyeol shrugged his shoulder. "Why not."

They settle in a restaurant. Chanyeol focused on nursing their son and didn't pay much attention to the food.

"You're so whipped." Baekhyun comments as he watches Chanyeol wipe the drool trickling down Cheol's mouth.

"I really am." Chanyeol smiles.

"What would you do if we had a baby girl? Would you be more whipped?"

His ex husband shrugged his shoulder. "I already love him with my whole heart so it will probably be the same."

(And you don't have space for me)

Baekhyun brings the glass to his lips and takes a slow drag.

"Why can't we have a baby girl now."

He doesn't know why he always lets his mouth run faster than his mind. Its time like these when he should have kept himself shut.

"We aren't together anymore."

Truth was a vile thorn injected right into his wound.

Didn't he agree to be with Chanyeol? Perhaps that aren't tied by a status but he knows his heart will always twist and coil when Chanyeol is involved.

Did he not understand that?

"I would feel apologetic to our little girl and Cheol if we had more because we couldn't give them a full family."

It hurts.

Baekhyun stands after slipping a few notes under the check book. "You're right."

They left the restaurant with silence bleeding through the air. Baekhyun was so cold that his fingers were numb to the fingertips and sought warmth from the pocket of Chanyeol's hoodie.

He finds a hand extended to him and looks towards the owner.

"I can hold Cheol in one arm. Hold my hand."

Baekhyun is hesitant.

Is he doing the right thing?  
Would this lead to more misery between them?

He takes the hand in his trembling ones and squeeze them firm so that the taller wouldn't notice his uneased heart.

Baekhyun is a terrible person but everything right now feels so right. 

Its the hand that he would always hope to find on the other end of his dreams when he reaches out and grasped into nothing.

Its the hand that his whole atom remembers by the warmth of his palm down to the slender length of Chanyeol's fingers.

He missed this hands too much.

He tucks Chanyeol's hand into his pocket. "Your hands are cold." But it was an excuse to relish in the moment longer before he has to return to a reality where Chanyeol doesn't exist.

Baekhyun can feel Chanyeol's gaze on him. He doesn't cower and meets his eyes mid way.

"Take my phone and look into the gallery."

The brunette raises a questioning brow. "Should I let your hand go-"

"No. Use your other hand."

It was awkward. Baekhyun was using his left hand to dip into Chanyeol's pocket jean while holding his hand in his pocket with the other. With much struggle, he unlocks the device and tapped into the gallery as instructed. Chanyeol was telling him how he found a fan edit of their baby dressed differently with 'Mommy Baekhyun' and 'Daddy Chanyeol.'

He hears Chanyeol laugh and its like a melody in his ear. He hasn't heard the man laugh in so long since he left.

"You know I won't dress him up with flower crowns and a dress right-" The petite male huffs. It was an indirect insult to say that he was that feminine to do such thing.

"Yeah I hope you don't but he is so adorable."

Baekhyun ignores the giant.

He finds the camera and holds the high up; snapping a photo of Baekhyun with the peace sign and Chanyeol's unattentive profile with his eyes wandered ahead. He forwards the photo to his own phone and smiles at the screen.

"Make it my wall paper."

"But you didn't look into the camera." Baekhyun obeys either way.

Hjs thumb meets the glass screen as they brush every so gently over the picture. This would serve as their second family picture. Baekhyun doesn't know how many more would he be able to take, but he will cherish it in his heart.

He traces their son. It seems like the boy shy of only a few months old knew of the situation and directed his round eyes towards the camera. He has Chanyeol's eyes一and it hurts him the longer he looks.

"You know Chanyeol. My heart sometimes hurts too when I look at Cheol."

"Maybe you're the same as me. Heart aching when we look at him because we can't give him something."

(You mean a family.)

"But that is okay. We will love him enough to fill in the holes."

Baekhyun knows that Chanyeol would always love their child. But what about himself? He never understood what family truly was when the one person that showed him love torn his world in half and left after he was 17.

Would his child ever be able to feel his love?

He feels warm hands squeezing his own.

"Don't worry. We can do it all for him." their fingers entwine.

Baekhyun never liked happy endings. However he for once earnestly wished that his story with Chanyeol wasn't a tragic end.

"Is what we have now...considered a happy ending?"

( Are we still the same?)

Baekhyun is studying Chanyeol's facial expression searching for the answer that is making his inside ache.

(Do I still live in your heart?)

I think of us in the middle. Not happy or sad. Neutral."

Baekhyun smiles wistfully.

It wasn't that he despised the fairy tale endings where the princess would always find her true love一the prince.

It was the part that he never was the lead in a happy fairy tale.

And like his own, he never knew how to write a happy end to it.

"Chanyeol.. You know I love you right? You believe me right?"

It comes off more as a plead than a question.

"Yes I do."

Baekhyun parts his lips. His mouth is becoming dry from the emotiomal wreck he is inside.

“Even if someone came in front of me and said they love me. I'll still think about you first. We might not be compatible in a 'Normal' sense but I won't lie again. if I we went back to the corner where we first met. I would still choose you again."

He doesn't know why is he saying this when it is too late.

They would never be the same.

Even when Chanyeol runs his thumb in circles on the back of his hand, assuring him that he knows, Baekhyun would never find peace.

Baekhyun feels a surge of heat bursting behind his lids. He doesn't want Chanyeol to see him on the verge of breaking down so he cut their date off. "Lets go home? I won't stay at yours tonight. I promised Seokjin to be at his place "

"Okay. Do you want me to drive you there?"

Baekhyun shakes his head. "I'll walk you both back to your door step and then i'll go."

"Why can't you stay with us?"

It hits Baekhyun back to the time when Chanyeol asked the same thing after he arrived at Chanyeol's door with a scar that was still so fresh for a surgery and their baby that was less than 24 hours old.

Baekhyun at that time pulled away so Chanyeol could find something better. Someone that would take care of their son.

This time he was pulling away because he was scared of drowning Chanyeol in his own chaos again.

"Its okay. All my stuff is with Jin. I have no spare clothes and I don't want to bother you anymore."

"I got a guest room and you can wear my clothes."

Baekhyun wants to be with Chanyeol. He wants to be with this person that makes his heart race longer than just a week. But he was anxious. The longer he stayed the more he couldn't leave.

"I can do that next time? I need to go back eventually to get my stuff."

"Give me the direction to his place. I'll drive you."

Baekhyun sighs inwards. He didn't want to argue and thus agreed in the end. Their son was strapped in the carrier behind and he was seated next to him so that he could play with his small chubby hands.

The ride was long. Hours long. Seokjin liked the idea of living in a mansion where its up a damn mountain. Chanyeol was yawning a few times and it honestly made his heart ache. "Are you tired?"

He hears a clear of throat, as though Chanyeol was trying to rid of the grogginess in his throat. "No."

A hand comes snaking around the driver's head rest and finds the man's nape; fingers firmly pressing down on the pressure points. He does it so Chanyeol wouldn't feel so tired.

"You'll make me fall asleep." Chanyeol emits a low chuckle and stiffens another yawn.

"Trust me. I'm keeping you awake by pressing down your pressure point." Baekhyun resumes massaging the other's nape and Chanyeol didn't seem to protest after.

The ride mid way through was quiet. Baekhyun was worried that Chanyeol might drift due to the ear deafening silence and so proposed to talk about things. Chanyeol nods along and asks how Baekhyun was.

"My friends were scolding me. Saying all I ever talk about is Chanyeol this and Chanyeol that." He shakes his head at the memory of Sehun rolling his eyes and covering his ears.

"Why do you still talk about me?"

Baekhyun hadn't thought about that. Or more like he thought about it too much that he has never drawn a final conclusion.

"I don't know. I suppose I feel like I still belong to you somehow. I don't want someone to cover your trace." His voice drops at the last part; his eyes falling to meet his lap and meets the paling of his knuckles. He didn't even realise that he was clenching on his hands but what Chanyeol says later makes him clench them even harder.

"You'll find another me."

"I don't want to"

"You're just saying that because we haven't been apart for that long."

The Chanyeol before him almost seems like himself一 back when he was a coward in everything and wanted nothing but to run away and enthrust Chanyeol into the arms of someone else. Chanyeol at that time would always stand his ground. He's never once let Baekhyun too far from his reach. When he stepped back one foot; Chanyeol closed the distance until he could feel the other's warm radianting from his chest and wrapped him in his arms.

The Chanyeol right now is someone that he longs for in his dreams but has lost the familarity of what they once had.

This is Baekhyun's fault.

"Do you want me to see someone else?"  
(Are you tired of me?)

"I want you to be happy." Chanyeol makes a turn to a side road and this point he doesn't feel drowsy anymore.

"I'm happy seeing you."

(Don't tell me to leave.)

"For how long? It won't last."

Baekhyun doesn't need to know anymore. He understands it now. Fully and well conprehended. He blinks his eyes a few times so the tears doesn't fall and break his layers.

"Its okay. Don't worry about me."

They might be too late.

"Can we pretend?"

Chanyeol is the one to be dumbfounded this time. "What?"

Baekhyun releases a chuckle and shakes his head. "Nevermind. Just park there." He directs towards the mansion at the far corner of thw street. After what seems like an hour long drive Chanyeol parks the car. Baekhyun wasn't joking when he said that Seokjin liked living in a mansion right up the mountains.

Their son was long ago dozing in the back seat and they both couldn't help but coo at the sight but Chanyeol wasn't going to let his ex husband go so easily.

"What did you mean?"

Baekhyun didn't want to explain it. It would just complicate everything again.

"Nothing."

"Baek..."

The brunette brushed the awkward tension with the wave of his hand. "Drive safely. I'll head in so you sleep soon too." He unbuckles and climbs out of the vehicle with full intentions on escaping from the situation until he is drawn back once again.

"Hurry up and get your things."

"But im staying at jin's-" He couldn't finish.

"Tell him you're going."

It seems pointless to argue so he just went along.

"Alright. Help me with packing?"

"Okay."

........

Baekhyun despised relationships. They say that a relationship isn't about compromising. It's about sharing the piece of you that you love and finding someone else to love that part with you.

But what part of him did he love that he'll want to share it with someone else?

He was never fond of anything that existed in his world. His world was only this small.

So why does he have to live this way?

There were more than one times when he would gaze at Chanyeol and their baby and feel a deep hallow festing in the pit of his stomach. Sometimes he feels like Chanyeol never existed. That he was there一Yet he wasn't. He hears his breathe right next to his ears but he can't feel his heart pace like they once did for him.

"Do you love me still."

"Yes."

Does it even matter anymore?

.....

Baekhyun awakes to Chanyeol's bed. It has became more of a routine then a habit. The elder would find himself spooned in the giant's embrace or he would find his bed empty when the younger had work and Baekhyun was the one in charge of breast feeding and tending to their son.

On some days Chanyeol would come home late when there was 2 hours before the brunette had to sleep. On rare occasions like today, Chanyeol was at home.

Baekhyun feels like their colors are coming back. Chanyeol would tell him things thae made his heart pace a little and Baekhyun would shamelessly declare that he loved him in long talks. It was nothing like the previous weeks where everything had seem scripted and tense. Baekhyun was starting to feel like he was becoming a part of the family as long as he never questioned what Chanyeol did outside of this house or report what he did, it wouldn't break.

Baekhyun could be sinking to his knees and sucking people off or using his tongue to shove down strangers that he found attractive at bars and it wouldn't be Chanyeol's concern.

As long as they didn't question there was no burden.

The problem was Baekhyun forgets.

He forgets that Chanyeol isn't his anymore.

He forgets that either of them are obligated to stay devoted to one another.

He forgets that he doesn't have the right to feel jealous or neglected when Chanyeol is gone for half the day.

He forgets that he isn't Park Baekhyun anymore.

....

Two days before their anniversary Baekhyun contemplates if he should give Chanyeol a gift that was more of an after thought than anything meaningful. He didn't want to push that false mirrage of their marriage playing before their eyes.

What Baekhyun never expected was the part where Chanyeol had prepared him a gjft in advance as well. It was given to him 3 days earlier than the anniversary. It was a video recorder of that was a tape. He had to find an old tape recorder in the store room to play it. The recorder clicks in. The tape begins to roll.

He hears guitar strings and he recognises it. He hears a soft mellow voice and he recognises it as his own. It hasn't been so long ago but Baekhyun would never have thought that Chanyeol would have kept the one full audio tape of the two back in their debut days. It was the only song that they both have ever recorded.

Baekhyun keeps playing the record button over. Repeating the same verse.

'Love you. Love you.  
Want you to know that I need you.'

He replays it again.

'Love you. Love you. Want you to know that I need you.'

The void in his chest grows but he doesn't care about it anymore. 

He lets his eyes fall as he listens to the soft melody of Chanyeol's guitar and his own voice.

It is peaceful like this. 

.....

Baekhyun is content with how things are.

It doesn't mean that he is happy. It just means that he has come to terms with his own melancholy and loneliness. It was never Chanyeol's fault that he is like this. He was like this since the beginning.

"Just know that me and Cheol will be here."

Baekhyun doesn't really feel their presence.

Chanyeol jokes that since both of them were single he could flirt to his content. Baekhyun isn't sure if he is joking or not but it shouldn't be his concern. It only meant that Chanyeol would expect the same from him.

He doesn't let it come between them again.

This negativity.

"How do I write a happy ending? For us."

He didn't want it to end like this.

"Don't."

"...."

"Why?" He doesn't want to admit that it hurted when Chanyeol said that.

"Happy endings means it has no end."

Baekhyun smiles, its a sincere tug of his lips with hinted lace of exhaustion.

"You're right."

Baekhyun knows how to write it now.

...

It's been two months since he has started moved in to Chanyeol's place.

Everything remains the same. 

Baekhyun only goes out when Chanyeol is home so that someone could take care of Cheol. When Chanyeol comes home late he doesn't question it. When Baekhyun is out, Chanyeol doesn't ask as well. 

This is one of their days. 

Baekhyun walks to the mirror and wipes a blotch of lip stick printed on his neck and discards it into the bin without an after thought. He will find his son tucked into his cribe an fast asleep. Then he will come to the living room find Chanyeol in the kitchen preparing something. His steps are quiet as he reachea the taller and wrapa his arms around his figure and smiles into his shirt.

He doesn't have to understand Chanyeol's love. He just has to know the extend that he'll go because he loves him.

"Good evening darling."

"Good evening baby."

He loosens his hold so that Chanyeol could turn around and lean down to kiss his lips.

He had stopped counting the time and second it takes for the man to come back to him.

"I missed you."

"I missed you more."

He doesn't leave anymore.

This time he stays.

Baekhyun smiles but it hurts a little when he does so to the man that has his heart.

"I love you"

"I love you too."

It didn't matter anymore because compared to living in the misery of missing Chanyeol for the rest of his life, this is may be considered a happy ending.

The end.


	4. Explanation.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Explanation.

So I know everyone is confused by the entire story (I suck at explaining that's probably why) so i'll explain in as much detail as I can. 

I have a lot of typos so a lot of the parts are probably not making sense with my wrong tense.

C h a p t e r 01 

Chapter one itself is revealed in Chapter 3 to be the "novel" dedicated to Chanyeol. This means that in the story there were a lot of parts that were true, but a lot that were ommited and rewritten by Baekhyun. So from the beginning with Baekhyun's encounter with Chanyeol, those were all true. It was until the middle where the story becomes 'fictional.' So the part where they got married and had a wedding was not true. I don't know if anyone realised but Baekhyun did not write Chanyeol's vow in. That was because they never had a wedding and Baekhyun wanted to save that moment because he had already ruined everything. The story goes on and a lot were quite true but baekhyun cuts out the bad part and only wrote the goods in, so again, that's why it seemed like it was going to end on a happy note. Chanyeol and Baekhyun actually only had 1 child. That's why in the end only one baby name was mentioned. Another thing is, the part where Baekhyun's father left and he had an uncle that comforted him. That part was vaguely written so people probably didn't realise that his uncle actually molested him but Baekhyun chose to erase this from his memory and so didn't write on about it. The ending in Chapter one is quite straight forward. Baekhyun writes that Chanyeol has found a wife and married her. That was actually Baekhyun's fear. He feared Chanyeol finding someone else and he feared of being replaced. So he wrote it in the novel as the final end because even though he was terrified of Chanyeol moving on, he believed it was the only way to fix everything. 

C h a p t e r 0 2

So chapter two was not meant to exist but I felt bad and so wrote on. Chapter two is real. I decided to invest more emotions into Baekhyun and so made Chapter 2 extreme angsty. In chapter 2 you would find out that Chapter 1 was fictional and chapter 2 was like the reveal of the truth and that was baekhyun's bottom line. In that chapter particularly, baekhyun's emotion is the strongest. 

c h a p t e r 0 3

So chapter 3 is actually what happened after chapter 1 and 2. So chanyeol reads the novel and he reacts to it. In chapter 2 it is mentioned that Baekhyun gave Chanyeol the baby away immediately and then left without a word. Chanyeol at that time had their baby and he was still getting use to being a father. Chapter 3 is very true to the real event. Baekhyun write it in Chanyeol's perspective and please be mindful that Baekhyun is writing it based on what he thinks Chanyeol would say. That means Chapter 3 is partially real because it's based on what Baekhyun thinks. So the part where Chanyeol asks Baekhyun if they would get together again and Baekhyun says he thinks they shouldn't and that maybe them having this 'relationship' status was what gave him the pressure and need to run away. So Baekhyun rejects and Chanyeol takes it the wrong way. So a main point is Chanyeol and Baekhyun's ideal and mind set is completely different and very contrasting. What Baekhyun believes is quite 'normal' is very 'toxic' to Chanyeol. 

In the very last part of Chapter 3, Baekhyun asks Chanyeol how he should have finished the end to Polaris. But metaphorically, how should he write a happy ending for them. Chanyeol tells him that he shouldn't bother because a happy ending means there is no end. Baekhyun actually didn't understand this but he takes it as it didn't matter what the ending was anymore. Its just like the the part when he asked Chanyeol if he loved him and Baekhyun figured that it didn't matter as well because even if they loved each other it wasn't enough to keep their marriage going. So in the end of chapter 3, Baekhyun resorts to the only thing that he knows would keep him going but ruin his relationship further- and that was not put a relationship label over their heads. I got this question a lot about whether Baekhyun slept with other people and the answer is no. He is basorexic and sex isn't really his thing. He just likes kissing people to forget about the fact that he couldn't be good enough for Chanyeol and Chanyeol was potentially looking for others (again this is his insecurity and the story didn't specify if he did or not. Rest assure, Baekhyun in reality didn't do it. He only wrote it in the novel because he knows Chanyeol is reading. 

c h a p t e r 0 4

So the last chapter which is the epilogue- i'm sure everyone is confused by that. So a bit of explaining. The epilogue doesn't have to exist in the story. Baekhyun wasn't planning to add the epilogue "redemption." Chapter 3 was the final ending for the readers because its an open ending. Which means it could have been a happy one. However redemption was made because it was the non existing truth. So a lot of people must be confused as to why Baekhyun gave Chanyeol another draft. That is because Baekhyun never changed his ways in the end. His fight with Chanyeol became more intense, hateful and most of all it couldn't be fixed. So Baekhyun ommited all the bad scenes and only wrote the parts that he wished to keep. Especially the line:

"You once said to me that a happy ending meant for an end. I told you that one day I will take everything that we hate about each other and bury it with me. I'll take every single fault in our stars and I'll burn it hard." 

This part is actually the ending. Baekhyun revealed that everything that is being written from chapter 1-4 is all apart of the novel 'polaris'. It means that chapter 4 was the real ending but Baekhyun blamed himself for their failed marriage and relationship and so he rewrote story again. Chapter 4 is actually what happened after chapter 3. They lived together and they had their son. It is true that Baekhyun did get pregnant with twins but what the story didn't reveal was the part that Baekhyun and Chanyeol had actually broken up so Chanyeol wasn't there for the twins birth. 

This is why redemption was made. 

Baekhyun was trying to redeem himself by continuing the story but only stopping before the birth of their children. Also i kinda forgot to write on so that's kinda my fault as to why it was stopped there. 

The last part with Chanyeol finding someone new and baekhyun not caring anymore is something that is inevitable. Meaning it hasn't happened but Baekhyun knows it wil happen because his relationship with Chanyeol couldn't be saved anymore. Another thing is, why didn't Baekhyun go to the wedding? Based on Baekhyun's character its right to say that he would be too prideful not to go. However, the last few sentence he said: 

"Wishing someone well didn't always mean they have to be there for them. Sometimes wishing someone the best meant leaving them alone."

It means Baekhyun and Chanyeol weren't even friends anymore so he had no reason to attend. He didn't want to go back to his old self because he knew he had failed and that again gave him another reason not wanting to go. The third was he was sincerely happy for Chanyeol and he knew his ex was doing well so he didn't want to interrupt that scene and so he crushed the invitation and left. 

\---

A few pointers because I think i wrote so much crap that people probably didn't notice a lot of details drowning. 

P o l a r i s. 

Polaris was based on Aimer's song. I loved the song and the lyrics and thought of Chanbaek. The story is real and based on someone but I won't disclosure who and what. The story centers around Baekhyun who is like the color red and was supposingly the notion of light (his mama power is light). But as the story revolves on it is shown that he may not have been the light, but Chanyeol was. Baekhyun to Chanyeol may have been the light but Baekhyun was saying that he wanted to be the light (Just like in Aimer's song lyric) but he failed to be and wanted to reedem it by writing a novel for Chanyeol and rewriting their whole story. 

R e d. 

In Chapter 1 its said that Baekhyun has a deep obsession for the color red. He gradually changes his hair color because Chanyeol likes his hair neutral and also shows his character maturing. It wasn't until chapter 3 or 4 that I think i mentioned he went back to his chaotic life. He actually changed his hair back to red because that was apart of his identity and marrying chanyeol and changing all of that was sort of stripping away his amour and he wasn't ready for it. 

s m o k i n g. 

Smoking was one thing that Baekhyun had that was rebellious against Chanyeol. Baekhyun and Chanyeol both somewhat have a superior complex and thus their personality clashed a lot. Baekhyun's smoking in Chapter 4 redemption is his last rebellion to Chanyeol. It was saying that he has gotten over chanyeol but in a way he hasn't fully. Because he was still smoking and he knew he was the only thing that irked Chanyeol the most. So to say, he was still missing Chanyeol (lowkey). 

c o l o r. 

I think people didn't realise this since i didn't really put much emphasis on it. I used a bit of color psychology in chapter 1. Baekhyun is red, Chanyeol is a blue/black, and sehun is black. All of the colors talk about their dominance, their ego, their personality trait and how they are affected. Baekhyun was affected by sehun's dominant Black. He couldn't move on well from this character and so was overwhelmed that his shade of color was coaxing him in. I hope i make sense lololol 

p a r e n t s 

I know a lot of people might think that this is a novel and a fiction and baekhyun's parents can't possibly exist but I speak for a lot of people whom have parents that really aren't just hurting their children and there is nothing they can do about it. 

t w i n s 

so the twins name was erased by me because I kinda got lazy in writing. Their name is Park Cheon and Park Chanhyun. 

w a r m t h. 

Warmth and polaris was a very big point that I wanted to reinforce throughout the story. The story is written in Baekhyun's perspective so technically the entire story is biased on his view. He thinks of chanyeol as this warmth, his polaris and someone that he thinks he is ruining. The story does not explore further on Chanyeol because like I said, baekhyun only writes what he believes, hopes and wished for. Warmth is also associated by Chanyeol's hug, presence, and even his color which Baekhyun says is possibly a shade of blue. 

The story is honestly too long and I can't remember majority so I hope that answers everything. If you got any question drop it below and thanks for reading.


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